It’s been too long. I stopped writing back in the beginning of September, when our loved one left us a note explaining she was going to murder us in our sleep. Here’s what’s happened since then, and I’ll attempt to clear up some confusion about the system and us.
The police or doctors are the only ones who can involuntarily hold someone for a psych eval. Parents cannot force it. Even for a minor, a parent does have the authority to bring the child in, but the determination of needing to infringe on their civil liberties rests solely with the police or medical professionals. Our loved one is not a minor. We cannot force anything. We cannot make them to the hospital. We cannot make the docs or police take her. We can call them when we’re concerned, and then they decide. Over the past 3 years, they’ve come and determined our loved one is not sick enough to warrant the taking of their liberties more times than they’ve taken her.
In our area of the US, the bar is very high for that civil liberty taking. Our loved needs to be at imminent risk of harm to self, functionally defined as suicide, or real harm to others, functionally defined as homicide. A murderous threatening note is not sufficient. Yelling downtown is not sufficient. Behaving ill is not sufficient.
After the murderous note in September, our loved one was deemed by the mental health crisis workers to warrant an involuntary hold. They were held for 5 days at which time the court interviewed her, and deemed that they were not at imminent risk of harm to self or others, and released them. They returned to our home, and promptly stopped whatever meds they’d prescribed.
They continued to live at home, and self-isolate, rarely interacting with anyone in the house, except in snarly mono-syllabic exchanges. We provided groceries, cooked meals, clean room, dry bed, and occasionally help connecting with remote doctors. We effectively provided a full-service mental health shelter for one. We offered to provide medicine management but that was rebuked. We offered to provide transport to the store to get them out, but that was rebuked. We offered to provide other outings like going out for dinner or for a walk, and those were mostly rebuked. I believe there was one lovely walk around the neighborhood.
Their drug of choice is marijuana, which is legal where we live. In our parental observation, it’s the psychoactive portion of weed (THC) that seems to very negatively affect our loved one. We had successfully negotiated their use of a lower THC, high CBD strain of marijuana (who knew there’d be designer strains, with whole websites designed to match your needs for a particular effect with the stores in town that have that precise kind). This negotiation worked because we were willing to assist in the procurement of this lower THC. I’m not a fan of weed at all, but I understand the concept of harm-reduction, where you work to reduce the harm, rather than unrealistically try to eliminate the harm – like needle exchange programs. In any case, our loved one had run out their monthly money, so we purchased a very low THC weed, and provided it for them until they had money.
For several weeks, they were not taking prescribed meds, but just smoking very low THC weed. When they received their money, we presumed they’d buy their weed as they had been. Instead, they believed we should continue providing for free, and when we didn’t, they stole some that was in the house late last week.
Saturday night, they purchased more weed (thanks to home delivery UGH), and purchased some that was higher THC than either the super low that we’d purchased, or the low that she’d previously purchased. Things went down hill from there.
All through Saturday night and into Sunday, they went out in the neighborhood, posting Instagram videos. They’ve blocked us, but I have friends who’ve shared. Looking at the times of the Saturday videos, they didn’t sleep much Saturday night or Sunday. They left on a walk Sunday afternoon, while my husband and I were asleep, and they left the front door wide open. Then they got into an argument with a neighbor. It didn’t seem that horrible, but clearly they were increasingly agitated.
They came back home Sunday evening at 6:00 to get some water, and then left, slamming the door. That’s the last we’ve seen of them.
Since then, they have posted several disturbing videos on social media (again, I saw only courtesy of friends) I have heard from several old friends of theirs who are very concerned for her, as well as strangers who are also worried. Thanks to everyone who’s reached out. It truly takes a village.
A quick note about money. They receive social security and disability that is designed to provide for their needs. Sometimes they are equipped to make those decisions, other times not. As a result, Social Security would not award the money to them but to a payee. I am that payee. I receive the checks, that are direct deposited into a separate account, just for their care. They receive around $500 per month for food, rent, utilities, everything. To be fair, this amount could be higher if they were living independently, but that increased amount still doesn’t cover housing costs in Portland. They also receive food stamps which they manage directly. In April of 2019, they decided they needed a separate phone plan, for approximately $150 a month. Now there’s $350 per month ($500-$150). They receives $100 every two weeks for their own expenses. Now there’s $150 ($500-$150-$200). The balance ($150) is applied towards housing costs and utilities. It seems like we take their money because they don’t receive the full $500. But anyone who knows me knows I would not ever want to answer to Social Security about embezzling their money, and they audit every payee account. I can account fully, for every penny, except for the $200 they receive every month.
So here’s where we are now. They were awake all night Saturday. They were out all day Sunday. They didn’t return Sunday night. My husband found them downtown Monday, only to be screamed at, and our loved one successfully lost him once they realized he was there. We have spoken with Police and Crisis Workers. They alleged they were raped on Sunday night. If that is true, that is horrible and I hope they seek help. In January, they alleged they were raped, and the Police took them to an ER where she refused a rape kit explaining it wasn’t that kind of rape. They alleged my husband raped them another time, and we were fully investigated by adult protective services. I am grateful for their investigation, and would gladly go through it a dozen more times; that system is built to protect the vulnerable, including my loved one. That system is biased towards protecting the vulnerable, and it should be. And it’s still hard every time.
Our loved one spent a second night on the streets Monday night, unless they have been picked up either by the police or mental health professionals. During a previous trip to the hospital, they explained they were homeless, and refused to give their name, so not even their mental health providers knew where they were. Because they have not agreed to allow information be shared with us, we may or may not be notified if she’s arrested or taken to the hospital.
So we participate in mental health support groups. We keep mental health and police folks updated on their status. We try to keep calm. We worry. We try to sleep. We think of strategies to support them during this crisis. To people who know them through social media, thank you for supporting them. Please know that what they say, they genuinely believe. They aren’t consciously making anything up, but neither is their truth the same as ours. Empathize with their feelings. Encourage them to seek help. Don’t try to convince them of a different truth, but neither fully believe their narrative.
So now ending as I normally begin, a quick reflection on this morning’s psalms. From Psalm 28, The Lord is my strength and shield; my heart trusts in him and I have been helped. I can legitimately say that I trust that God’s got this. I don’t know what will happen to our loved one during this acute crisis; I hope they are able to accept the help they need. But regardless, I know God is with them, and God is with us. And I trust that tonight, I will lay down having done the best I can, and that God will be with us all. I am continually helped because of this deep sense of God’s providence. I don’t know how or why this chapter will be resolved. But I know it will. That knowledge is my help.
