Jan 31 2021 Day 7 Genesis 18:1 – Genesis 20:18

Far be it from you, O Lord.

Abraham is bargaining with God to spare Sodom, if even 50 good men are found. No, 45 good men. What about 20? If even 10 good men are found, God agrees to spare the city. The meditation accompanying this reading focuses on forgiveness and sin, as going hand in hand.

God judges. In Sodom, the city is destroyed, except those prompted and wiling to leave. But wait, what about an all-loving, all forgiving God? Apparently, there’s a bit of a catch. God is forgiving, if forgiveness is sought and some acknowledgement of the underlying sin. I know I’m guilty of breaching each of these tenants, and I suspect we all are.

It’s too easy to take for granted God’s mercy and love. I don’t necessarily need to ask for it, to seek forgiveness, right? What if I’m too busy? Or what if someone else is to blame? They started it! Sometimes I don’t think I need forgiveness, and sometimes I’m too busy to bother. Wrong and dangerous on both counts. Our tradition’s morning prayer includes a public of sin, so at least once a day, I genuinely seek forgiveness for sin. At least most days it’s genuine.

I’m not talking about walking around flogging myself for my wretched nature. But rather to acknowledge when I’ve done something less than my best self, and to seek forgiveness. In my home life, I have plenty of opportunities when dealing with sick loved one. I frequently behave not like my best self. Seeking forgiveness, asking for it, praying for it, acknowledging the sin – would probably feel cleansing.

The second condition about God’s forgiveness is something about our intention regarding that sin. It’s not enough to say, “oops, I sinned. Please forgive me”, and then continue with abandon the same behaviors and sins.

When thinking about sin and forgiveness, I’m reminded of the scene from the movie, “Dead man walking”. Susan Sarandon plays Sister Helen Prejean, a woman who accompanies people on death row. Sean Penn plays a man convicted of a brutal rape and murder. He’s been belligerent and unremorseful throughout the whole movie. But as he’s strapped in, prior to his lethal injection, he tells Susan he’s seeking forgiveness.

So does that one sentence undo a lifetime of sin and evil and death? I suspect only God knows. There are plenty of inmates – as well as plenty of us – who throw up a “please forgive me”, simply to get a false sense that we’ve covered our bases by asking. People who are falsely contrite. But then again, there are inmates – as well as plenty of us – who are genuinely aggrieved by our own actions and seek forgiveness, with a genuine acknowledgement of the sin we have committed.

Seeking forgiveness isn’t about spit polishing our lives, to diminish our sins. Rather, it’s about acknowledging the depth of our foibles and failings. And understanding that God loves and forgives us despite that. That makes the forgiveness all the sweeter.

This morning, I’m thinking about how to see my failings genuinely, and still seek God’s mercy. I have a priest friend who kept two notecards in his pocket. On one, she put prayer requests she’d received during the day, so she’d remember. The second, she listed her sins, big and small, so she’d remember. Then when it came time to lead worship and say the words, “Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you, in thought, word and deed”, she had a fresh and raw understanding of what sins she’d committed. Maybe I’ll try creating one of those for myself.

Jan 30 2020 Day 6 Genesis 15:1 – 17:27

Look toward heaven and count the stars.

God has made a covenant with Abraham, promising him heirs. The reflection questions surrounding this story have to do with how God interacts with us, beyond just our faith. For Abraham, God interacted in very meaningful ways – giving this old man an heir by his old woman. And when he promised that to Abraham, Abraham believed it. The reflection by Dallas Willard likens that to our faith that Jesus will interact with us in very present and human way.

This morning I’m thinking about whether and how I believe God interacts in my human every day life. It’s tricky for me. I don’t tend to imagine God’s action moving forward, or in the future. I don’t imagine God will fix this, or drop that prosperity in my lap, regardless of how much I believe it. In my mind, that’s because my concept of what’s to happen today, tomorrow or next year is so fallible and constrained by how I understand and see things. If I were to pray for some specific outcome, who’s to say that is the right outcome? As Garth Brooks says, sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. It’s not so much that they’re unanswered, but rather that God heard, and knew better.

All of that is to say that I don’t tend to believe God will do something specific in my life in the future, in part because I haven’t had the luxury of having any clear two way conversations with God. Now, if like Abraham, I heard God and knew it was God, that might be different. But I’m not exceedingly clear about God’s direction to me, moving forward. There’s too much Carter in the way.

But, in hindsight, I absolutely see the hand of God in my life in all sorts of big and little ways. Looking back to yesterday, or last month, I can see where God’s love, mercy and providence were imminent and present. When my son dropped out of high school, at 15, I couldn’t see it. But as he navigated his own way to his current third year at Harvard Law, I can see that every step in his journey and my part accompanying him was the handiwork of God.

My loved one is currently struggling with her persistent significant mental illness, after nearly three months of stability. Again, in hindsight, I can see how our lovely Christmas and visit with the family was spectacular, something I desperately needed, and the handiwork of God. As the illness takes hold once again, I don’t know how God’s involved in the future moving forward, but I know two things. First God will be involved, and things will happen as they need to. And second, I may not understand as it’s happening, or even after the fact. But knowledge that God is involved makes the uncertain journey less frightening.

Today, I have the great honor of serving as deacon at the consecration of my incoming bishop, and also serving as chaplain for the outgoing bishop. It will be magnificent and emotional. God will be acting and present. I might cry.

Jan 29 2020 Day 5 Genesis 12:1–14:24

If God were everything, the man would get along well wherever he went and among whatever people, for he would possess God and no one could rob him or disturb his work. ~Meister Eckhart

What do I need to do to have God be all things in my life? What examples of good people could be just as hindering towards my journey with God, as bad people?

This morning’s readings are all about Abram and Sarai as they start on their journey. They start with Abram’s nephew Lot, but divide up when it becomes clear there are too many herds for them to continue together. Lot travels towards Sodom (more on that in few chapters, I’m guessing!) and Abram settled in the land of Canaan. An exceedingly odd part of this story is that as they originally flee to Egypt because of famine, Abram pretends that Sarai is his sister, fearful that her beauty will result in the locals killing Abram. Alas, Pharaoh thinks that as sister, she’s fair game, and effectively abducts Sarai. Somehow, he finds out the Sarai is Abram’s wife, and he turns her out, angry with Abram that he’d lied, effectively “allowing” Pharaoh to take Sarai as his wife. It’s such a small detail in the story and written in a way as if to imply that this strategy was successful. Afterall, Abram didn’t get killed. But Sarai was taken, and made to lay with Pharaoh, and that’s ok.

I hear frequently about the male-dominated times, and sure, there are no female writers, and sure, the leading figures of Scripture are male. But without reading the Bible, chapter by chapter, verse by verse, you miss the insidious instances of how females were viewed and treated. But I digress. Back to the story.

God says to Abram, I will make you a great nation, and bless those who bless you, and curse those who curse you. The reflection from Meister Eckhart, a German theologian and mystic from the 14th Century. His reflection focuses on the sense that humans can get that God is always present. The opposite of that is when we have to seek God, or find the place where we encounter God. All of those efforts, while they may be successful, demonstrate that we have not become one with God, that there is some space between ourselves and God.

I really appreciate this way of thinking about God’s presence. Biden or unbidden, God is present, or so Carl Jung is attributed as saying. Eckhart continues that if there is space between us and God, then there is space for evil to or bad intent to affect our reason, action, thoughts. He goes on to say that when that space exists, good people can be as problematic in being a barrier for us to connect with God, as bad people. Back to Abram. I think Abram was beginning to get that sense of one-ness with God, so fewer and fewer forces could divert him from God; there was no space for bad intentions to enter.

So what do I need to do to have God be all things? I think for me, it continues yesterday’s reflection of introducing more visual prompts and stacked habits to just constantly remind me of God’s presence. I believe that God is always with me, and sometimes I forget. Sometimes convenience wins out, or ego, or anything that would not-God, and I make choices that are less than God-inspired. I’ll continue to seek out ways to be reminded, particularly when I face challenges at home or work.

The second question for this morning’s reflection relates to what people or groups get in my way? I think that the sense of good or bad people, good or bad intended, is misguided. I think people are people. The problem is me. When I am wandering away from my knowledge that God is present, and I should be turning over everything to God, any person can get in my way – because I let them. The other person is just a convenient excuse for me to pursue my personal agenda. I’ve been in plenty of settings with people who I should be able to count as good, or good influences, and I’m drawn away from God. It’s all me and my wandering. I just conveniently let them be my excuse.

Conversely, I’ve been in plenty of settings with people who might be deemed bad, or bad influences that actually draw me closer to God. I remember who God is, who I am, and who God is to the other people. In these instances, it might actually be God working through the other people, to help me return; the addict who shows unbelievable kindness to others, the gangster who smiles sweetly after having his feet washed.

Perhaps for me, one of the biggest prompts I could have in my day would be the other children of God I encounter, whether colleagues, family members, or strangers on the street. Each of these people are beloved children of God. If I can begin to remember that with every person I see and every encounter, it’s bound to remind me of God’s presence, and to reduce or eliminate that space that I allow to creep in between me and God.

This morning, I’m thinking about how to have human eyes be the prompt to remind me of God’s presence. To look in every persons’ eyes, and see God, even on a zoom call with 70 people, or even if all I see is eyes above a mask. I can see eyes. And through those eyes, I can see God.

Jan 28 2021 Day 4 Genesis 9:18-11:32

Then they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves;”

This morning’s reflection focuses on our desire to do, do, do, for God. We strive to build our own Tower of Babel. Maybe it’s for the right reasons – we want to be closer to God, or want to do what we think God wants of us. But maybe it’s not for the right reason, as for the builders of the Tower of Babel. They did it to make a name for themselves, to be known and credited with this good thing.

I am certainly guilty of being a doer. Do. Do. Do. I’ll happily claim my Martha-ness. And thinking about these builders, I probably also have multiple purposes. Sometimes I do what I believe God wants. Maybe sometimes I’m right. I’m sure however, frequently I’m wrong. I do what I think God wants, without perhaps checking. And sometimes I check while I’m on my way to by the tower building supplies, thinking about the grocery list, driving down the freeway. Perhaps God can’t (or shouldn’t) break In to my soliloquy, so God watches my one sided conversation without ever being able to get a word in edgewise.

When I aim to do something for God, perhaps I need to slow down, be quiet, and wait patiently for God’s direction. And if it doesn’t come at a time for my convenience, perhaps I wait patiently. Not my strength, when I could have been to the hardware store and back by now. But wait I must.

When I do something for what I hope or want to be God’s purpose, I know I need to create space and time to actually let God join the conversation.

But what about those things that I do for my benefit, where God’s not really invited into the conversation at all. Things that I do “to make a name for myself”, like the tower builders? These are harder for me to corral, because I haven’t even given a hat-tip to God, but rather decided that what I want is in fact what should occur. Now. Under my direction. With my efforts. Frequently by myself.

How do I get God back in that arena too? I’m thankful for my day-job, where I work with people of faith, and we frequently begin our day with prayer, and meetings with prayer. And much of my work is helping to assure those meetings and worship celebrations occur seamlessly. Hours or weeks before the meeting, I’m busy pulling parts together, making arrangements, becoming a Zoom expert. That is where I need to remember that what I’m doing – that mundane, behind the scenes work, is also God-work. God should not wait to be invited at the actual event, when 90% of the effort has already occurred. It’s in my day-to-day work that I need to invite and remember whose I am, and for whom I’m doing the work.

At home, it’s tougher. We’re at a place in my family where there is a good amount of conflict. Everyone loves everyone, but my loved one is increasingly symptomatic and argumentative, which creates conflict between my husband and me. Our house is not steeped in God language or God cues. We don’t pray as a family, worship together, even have common God beliefs. I’m a lone ranger, and mostly that’s ok. And it’s definitely harder to remember for whom I’m parenting, or supporting, or feeding, or loving, when the others in the family are testy, and we don’t share a common belief in God.

Gratefully, the bonds created in baptism are indissoluble, so I’m not worried about whether God is present, I would just have to work harder to remember that in my secular home.

Starting my morning with Scripture reading helps. I think I also need to create more visual and habit cues at home, to remember. I have a Mezuzah in a beautiful case given to me by a friend from her mom’s estate. Her mom was a holocaust survivor. I do not want to coopt another’s faith, and I also believe that it would be lovely to “write the words of God on the gates and doorposts of your house” (Deut 6:9). Maybe I can put that up heading into my kitchen, where I spend most of my awake time. Or maybe I put up something else for the same purpose.

Then there’s the idea of habit stacking. Start with a small habit, and once it’s set, add another small habit on top. Brush, then floss. Walk, then stretch. Open my computer to write, light my special candle. Maybe I create a habit stack that includes an invitation or invocation for God to be in my space. When I open the fridge, I invite God to be in the room as I prepare food and feed my family.

Finally, the Lord’s Prayer has some powerful words that could right my intentions. Thy will be done.

If I throw in a few extra recitations during the day, and really pay attention to that bit, maybe I’ll remember.

This morning, I’m thinking about how I can really live the “Thy will be done” part, throughout my day, at work and at home. Today I’ll start with more Lord’s Prayers, and pulling out my Mezuzah.

If you want to read the same book as me, and work your way through the Bible in one year, here’s a link to the Ebook

Jan 27 2021 Day 3 Genesis 6:1 – 9:17

For the inclination of the human heart is evil from its youth.

How does this truth about the human heart’s inclination affect my expectations? How am I reaching for God’s supreme love?

This morning, I read about Noah, the flood, the rainbow, and God’s pronouncement that human hearts have an inclination towards evil from youth. This would be more of the parts of Scripture that I’d prefer to excise or ignore; I tend to believe that human hearts are made for good, inclined towards good, striving towards good. I read a great book by Desmond Tutu that expounded on this, “Made for Goodness”. He explained that the reason crime stories are so newsworthy is because its so counter to how we innately are; it’s the exception, not the rule. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life supporting this premise. Human nature is good. I’m loathe to support conspiracy theories, and really dislike crime shows that focus on people portrayed as inherently evil or sinister.

And to be clear, I am not a biblical literalist; I do not believe that every word in the Bible is true as I understand the words. I do think there’s a greater Truth to everything in Scripture. A theologian friend once said we shouldn’t lose the Truth of Scripture, because we focus on the truth. Forest vs. trees.

Having said all of that, if I’m to take today’s reading and not just dismiss it, let’s say human hearts are inclined towards evil. It’s only God’s love that would make us good. If you start from there, then it’s obvious that we need God’s love, because without it, I’d be living in episodes of Criminal Minds, or Dexter. That core belief would make evangelism more imperative – humankind is doomed without our Good God.

Hmm. I guess I do believe that part. Humankind would be doomed without God’s goodness, grace and love. Maybe God’s love blankets us all so what I see is a humankind inclination towards goodness and love. Maybe it’s optimism, or naiveté, or faith. But what I see is goodness.

So what does that mean about what I expect from humankind? I guess I will show God’s love and grace and peace, and continue to have faith that God’s love and grace and peace will make goodness and light where there is darkness and evil. If it’s true that humankind is inclined towards evil, I do not believe there’s any space between that inclination and God’s love, which immediately and unbidden bends us towards love. Zero space.

So what does that mean about what I seek from God? I absolutely need God’s love, I need to know it’s there, and have faith it’s there, even if I cannot feel it or believe it. Without it, we’re doomed, and without it, that space between our innate inclinations and humankind’s goodness widens. a

Jan 26 2021 Day 2 Genesis 4:1-5:32

If you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.

What dangers are lurking at my door, and how might I master that part of me?

Hmm. I read about Cain and Abel and normally think that is a time and a scenario very far away from me, very removed from my reality. The reflection that follows the Scriptural reading is from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a complicated but great theologian, killed by the Nazis for standing up against their sin. Bonhoeffer makes a connection between Cain and Abel and me, that I hadn’t previously acknowledged.

True, I’m not likely to kill my brother because I believe God likes him better. I’m not likely to kill anyone, for that matter. Bonhoeffer points out that Cain’s sin, the part of it that I can relate to, is that he thought he was so clever; he had decided that his will – what Cain wanted – superseded all else. It was from that place of superlative right-ness that Cain felt vindicated in killing Abel.

Bonhoeffer says we should be modest and humble. What does it matter if our own plans are thwarted, Bonhoeffer says. Hrmph. I don’t like my plans being thwarted. I made the plans for a reason, after all, and I make pretty good plans, after all. Bonhoeffer goes on to ask, “Is it not better to serve our neighbors than get our way?” Hrmph. Really? And I can hear him answer, “Really!”.

So there’s the rub for me. That’s where Cain and I are too alike. I like my plans. I like my way. I do sometimes find myself frustrated and angry at others who thwart my way, perhaps a little like Cain.

The Cain-like dangers lurking at my door are precisely the issues Bonhoeffer highlights. He writes that Christians will have modest opinions of their own plans and intentions. They will know that it good for their own will to be broken in their encounter with their neighbor. They will be willing to consider their neighbor’s will more important than their own.

I am good with helping others. I want to help the least, the last, the lost. Except when I don’t. Except when it interferes with my plans. When I’m working in my home office, trying to get things done, and my loved one is exceedingly loud inside and out, I get frustrated. My will certainly matters more than their illness. At times like that, I find that I do get dark and twisted thoughts, all designed to let my will be done. Just like Cain. (No, I don’t imagine killing anyone, but I do contrive to get my way, at the expense of what my neighbor needs).

This morning, I’m thinking about the insidious way sin creeps in, to make me think my will is more right than the needs of my neighbors. The good news is that I can physically feel when that happens, because I can start to feel anxious or unsettled. Whenever that happens today, I want to pause and see if there’s a way to not care if my own plans are thwarted, in the service of my neighbor.

Jan 25 2021 Day 1 Genesis 1:1 -3:24

God created humankind in God's image. 

In what ways are my images of God made in my image, rather than the other way around?



The reflection on this first reading makes a logical argument that since we cannot know God, truly know God, our image of God is based on our limited self concepts. For me, I want to be loving, non-judgmental, patient. God is bigger and better than my lame attempts at godliness, so God is better at loving, non-judgmental, patient. Given that these are traits that Jesus tries to teach us all of the time, I don’t think these concepts or precepts of God are necessarily problematic, even if they’re rooted in my constrained understanding of what God is.

For me, the danger comes when I excise parts of what God is, because it doesn’t fit with my constrained understanding. The God of judgment, and anger, of consequences and banishing Adam and Eve out of the Garden. I think it’s so dangerous to dwell on those attributes of God, because those attributes can create divisions, hatred, functional caste systems when we mere mortals try to follow those attributes of God.

I conveniently create an image of God, of what God loves (everything), about who God welcomes (everyone), about God’s patience (infinite). There is a theological challenge with this, with me deciding what God’s like because it’s aligned with what I think is important. And perhaps more important to me today, without that other side of God, the judgement and wrath, everyone gets a pass in my God view.

But what if there really is a modern-day version of being banished East of Eden by an angry God, or at least a God who wants to impose logical consequences for our behavior? How does that view of God sit in my neat and tidy, ever-patient, ever-kind God?

I will hold on to the belief that this image of a wrathful God is far more dangerous for people to conjure. We cannot, I believe, exercise that judgement and anger towards fellow children of God, without grave consequences. We’re too likely to get it wrong, and create hate, wars, fear. But how can my image of God be stretched to include those traits? What does it mean for me and my behavior? For the people in this life who are unremorsefully evil? How could I ever discern what goes through the hearts of people I’ve deemed as evil, whether they’re really unremorseful, or if there are things at play in their actions I will never know.

This morning I’m thinking about a God who banished Adam and Eve, who had the first born of Egypt killed, who had Abraham bind Isaac to sacrifice him. As opposed to just dismissing those attributes as inconsistent with my Carter-made-image of God, how do they truly reflect a God I cannot fathom?

I’m not sure I have the answer. But I’m sure that it does not mean that I should be judging, or banishing, or being impatient, just because we hear that God is. Maybe it has something to do with the sweetness of a parent’s love, after boundaries are tested and consequences are felt. Or maybe it is just a way to humble me into acknowledging that although I think I’ve got an image of God that’s true, most other people of faith probably do too, and those images are as fallible as mine. 

Join me on a 365 day read through of the Bible, and let's discuss.  Ebook available here:  link to the Ebook. 

Jan 24 2021 A new journey begins

I have been absent in my regular writing for a while. This is a function of the holidays, fatigue, and a sense that I was writing for the wrong reasons.

In late October, my loved one was increasingly symptomatic, and ended up in the hospital for the month of November. I’ve recently been thinking about how unnerved we become when a friend or loved one has to go to the ER, or is admitted to the hospital for a day or two. For someone to be in the hospital for a week indicates something serious. And yet, my loved one was hospitalized for a concurrent month in November, over three months in total during 2020, with seven separate admittances. It’s easy to become numb to how sick that really is, unless I remember how upset I’d be if my husband was hospitalized for a week. Three plus months is very sick indeed.

The months of December and January have been mostly lovely, with increasingly symptomatic behavior. The nature of this illness is that there will always be periods of relative health, followed by decompensation, illness, and subsequent hospitalization, stabilization, and health. Repeat.

When I’m in the midst of one of those transitions, from health to illness or from illness to health, it has become too easy to turn my morning prayer, reflection and writing time into nothing more than a place to process the illness and its effect on my family. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but once we hit a relatively stable few months, I didn’t have the prompt of changing health conditions to prompt writing. But that’s not where my writing started. I started as a place and way to reflect and pray. And so I’m returning to that, because I need it for me.

And to switch things up a little bit, my prompts for the next year will not be my regular Morning Prayers, although I’ll continue with those prayers (as a benefit of working for the bishop!). Rather, I’m going to commit to work my way through a book that I’ve had for a few years, and never finished. The Daily Bible: Read, Meditate and Pray Through the Entire Bible in 365 days. There are plenty of versions of this kind of book, and this one uses the translation most often used in my tradition (New Revised Standard Version), and is chronological; I’ll start in Genesis and end with Revelation. After the prescribed reading, there’s a reflective writing from some theologian, and some questions to ponder.

It’s impossible to not slip into reflections about my loved one and my life, as that’s the context from which I ponder. But I have something concrete and outside my own head to serve as a starting place. 

This morning, I"m thinking about journeys, beginnings, and starting over. It's been a huge lesson for me to realize that it's ok to stop doing something I'd started when it wasn't working. Stopping doesn't mean failure. Failure happens when you let the pause prevent you from starting again. So here I start again.  

So if you’ve ever thought about reading your way through the Bible, either for the first time, your 100th time, or in the company of others, join me. We can reflect together, lament together, celebrate together, or trudge our way through some of the more challenging bits of Scripture. And if you want to read the same book as me, here’s a link to the Ebook. My journey begins tomorrow.

Jan 5 2020 - A new mental health video with my loved one

 Happy 12th Day of Christmas!   

To celebrate, my daughter asked to film another video where we interviewed each other.  Ok, she didn't say anything about the 12th day of Christmas, but it felt like a celebration to me.  This is a longer video, nearly 30 minutes, so enter at your own risk.  But we cover hospitalizations, medicine, and how she's feeling.  I find that I learn a lot about her and how she's thinking when we do these.  As I heard on a prime time TV show recently, people with mental illness think in ways that people without mental illness can't always understand.  

No judgment. No right or wrong.  Just different.  Enjoy our conversation!  

https://youtu.be/5LNtLa4p7wI