May 31 2021 Day 109 Nehemiah 1:1–4:23

So we prayed to our God, and set a guard as a protection against them day and night.


I admit I was not terribly familiar with the book of Nehemiah, and that’s unfortunate. It’s a great read, once you get past the recounting of all of the names of people who worked on the temple’s rebuilding. Nehemiah was a lowly cup-bearer to the king, while the Israelis were in exile. He mourned his homeland and Temple, and asked the King if he could return and work on its rebuilding. The king agreed. More than a story of one man’s courageous return to rebuild, the book of Nehemiah is the story of persistent prayer. He prays before he goes to the king to ask, he prays as he’s beginning the reconstruction and organizing the work. At one point, there is a hostile plot to stop the work, and Nehemiah prays.

At every turn, he prays. In addition to praying though, he acts. He prays and then goes to the king. He prays, and then sets guards as protection against the hostility. This is very helpful for me, as I’ve always struggled with the notion that prayer is a one-sided lob to God, where I ask God to do something for me. What I take from Nehemiah is that I need to be involved.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting God needs my involvement, or that I’m somehow constructing or controlling the outcome. But neither do I believe that I can offer up my prayer, and then sit as a armchair quarterback, awaiting God’s unilateral action. Nehemiah prayed, then asked the king to let him go to rebuild. Nehemiah prayed, then set a guard as protection.

This morning, I’m thinking about the relationship between prayer and action, and how both are needed at least to my soul. I am not well served to plot a course and start acting without first creating space and time for prayer. I don’t mean the kind of prayer where I recount all my woes to God. I’m pretty sure God knows that already. God even knows about the woes I haven’t acknowledged, as well as the blessings both known and unknown. Rather, I’m talking about the kind of prayer where I am quiet and receptive to God’s word. It’s not like I actually hear God speaking to me, but rather, I know God is working in me and through me.

In my current world, I need to pray, to listen to God. And then, I need to be involved. For example, with my loved one, I cannot simply pray that God will provide an immediate cure, and then I get to sit the rest of the story out. I pray, I listen, and then I do what I can with the confidence that God is with me as I bumble my way through. I have certain skills and experiences that position me well for certain kinds of action related to my sick loved one. I should never set off without a Godly consultation first, but like Nehemiah, I need to pray, then set the guards.

In my new-found unanticipated life of leisure, I likewise need to pray, then be prepared to act. I’m not sure what that action is yet, but I’ve realized something important. When I relocated to take the job I no longer have, the clincher to take the job was my then-boss saying that if it is of God, it will work out. Yes! And it did work out. And if that axiom was true then, it’s true now. If it is of God, it will work out. I am not meant to be there any more. Now, I’m not working there and I’m resting, and I absolutely believe that is of God. What is next on my journey is unclear, except today. Today, I will aim to rest where I am, and pray about what’s next. If it is of God, it will work out. Today’s rest is definitely of God.

May 29 2021 Day 108 Ezra 7:1–10:44

[Y]et our God has not forsaken us in our slavery, but has extended to us his steadfast love

Ezra, a scribe living amongst the exiled people of Israel is offering a prayer, and encouraging his people about God, and the return to their land. He is explaining that despite the fact they are slaves, God has not forsaken them, but has extended God’s love to them, while in slavery.

Hmm. Another way God could show God’s love would be to not have them in slavery to begin with. I’m imagining there were some who would readily concur. But that’s not how the story goes. The people are enslaved, which I’d argue is a crappy thing. And God extends God’s love, which is a good thing. Here is another example of one of the hardest lessons I’m learning.

God doesn’t prevent crappy things from happening. God doesn’t always resolve crappy things in my desired timing. But God is always extending God’s love in the midst of those crappy things and crappy times. And that is a really good thing.

Ezra knew this. He didn’t rail at God for the bad situation. He didn’t blame God, or turn away from God. He acknowledged the crappy situation, and acknowledged God’s steadfast love. This is a perfect example of realizing that God is not an either/or. Either crappy things or love. Either bad or good. It’s a both/and. Crappy things and love. Bad and good.

We have an unlimited capacity to forget this, to expect God to right by us all of the time, or if God doesn’t resolve my crappy situation, God’s not paying attention or intentionally slighting me. Again and again we do this. Perhaps it’s our deep desire to always be comfortable, pain free, in control, knowledgeable. We cannot stand when things aren’t ‘right’, and by right I mean our definition and construct. If God is loving and paying attention to ME, God would fix this as I deem appropriate.

Get my people out of slavery. Return us right away to our home land.. Or else….

Ezra knew better. We are stuck in slavery, and God’s love is steadfast. It feels like I’m finding a lot of insights in this non-dualistic God, with readings that all point to that lesson. I’m guessing that’s because this is precisely what I need to hear. Thank God.

May 28 2021 Day 107 Ezra 4:1–6:22

[The Passover Feast] was eaten by the people of Israel who had returned from exile.


The people of Israel have finally been allowed to return and complete the rebuilding of their temple. As a result, they celebrate a wonderful Passover feast. It is a wonderful celebration, and we read it and are joyful on their behalf. They finally were able to return.

It’s not so much that they got to reclaim what was theirs, although that is part of it. More than that, we celebrate because we know what it’s like to come home, that sense of returning to a place that holds a special meaning. When I experience that feeling, it’s less about the furniture, or the structure of the house, as much as it is the memories and the deep sense of belonging. We get a sense of joy, and when we read of the people of Israel’s return, we celebrate with them.

Today, I am thinking about all of the people who have been displaced in the US, who have not yet had an opportunity to return to their land. We Anglo Americans have displaced everyone who’s gotten in our way. Manifest Destiny, the warped notion that the those in power had a destiny given by God to claim all of North America south of Canada. It was a racially motivated doctrine of white supremacy that disallowed any brown or black person to peacefully coexist in the lands that the whites wanted. Texas? Ours. Native American lands? Ours. God says so. Who can argue with God?

So here we sit, asked to celebrate with the people of Israel who were allowed to return to their land, while we continue to permit Indian Reservations to subsist, while we live off the land that was once theirs. We don’t let them return to their homes and celebrate the joy of returning.

Here we sit, as we fret about the changing demographics where there is an increase in brown and black people in the US. We worry about the fact that “our” country is increasingly multi-cultured and multi-lingual.

Here we sit, as we fret about the righteous indignation of people of color about the original oppression they experienced, as well as the continued oppression, segregation, and prejudice.

How is it that we can celebrate that the children of Israel reclaimed their land and temple when we continue to disallow people to reclaim what we took?

This morning, I’m thinking about the ways I might be able to offer back some sense of place and homecoming to the people who’ve been displaced in the US.

May 27 2021 Day 106 Ezra 1:1–3:13

{T]he LORD stirred up the spirit of King Cyrus of Persia

King Cyrus of Persia has had his heart stirred up by the Spirit of God. Babylon, where the Israelis were exiled was in Persia. Cyrus was not a Hebrew, following some other religion. But God used this non-Hebrew in important ways, stirring in his heart the notion that the people should return to their homeland and to the Temple that meant so much to them.

The accompanying reflection focuses on the value of silence, perhaps because of God’s use of silence to actually stir our hearts. In my experience, this silent-inducing-stirring comes when least expected. Since Cyrus didn’t worship the one true God, I can imagine that a God-inspired stirring would be unexpected, and perhaps unwelcome.

In my world, I need more silence. I’m very inclined to fill silence with music, podcasts, videos. Even if they’re prayerful music, or prayer podcasts, the noise still drowns out the silence. And while I know I can use more silence, I also would argue that God can speak through intentional noise. For example, if I’m seeking God’s voice and listening to reflective, or Christian music, sometimes the right lyrics come on at precisely the right time. Maybe it’s not silence, but there is still room for God’s voice. The same goes for prayer podcasts. I have two I listen to in the mornings. The first is a oral version of the Morning Prayer I relished at my job, every morning starting the day with 15 minutes of prescribed prayers and readings. There are at least two great versions, the first is from the Episcopal Church in Garrett County (https://episcopalchurchingarrettcounty.podbean.com) and mirrors what I’m accustomed to. The second is from an Anglican Church and includes morning, noonday, and evening prayer. The prayers are a little different, and the readings are not the same but prayer is prayer. https://thetrinitymission.org After my prayer service, I listen to the Ignatian Pray as you Go, which includes scripture, reflective music, prayer prompts, repeat of the scripture and you’re done. https://pray-as-you-go.org

I mention all of this because I believe God can break through if we make an intentional space, whether it’s a silent place, music filled space, prayer filled space, although probably not binge watching video space. So I’ll correct what I said above. I don’t necessarily need more silence. What I need is to hold more space to listen to God, regardless of what else is going on in that space.

This morning, I’m thinking about how God can pop into the oddest circumstances, and in the hearts of the most unexpected people, including a Zoroastrian Persian King.

May 26 2021 Day 105 2 Chronicles 33:1–36:23

The LORD, the God of their ancestors, sent persistently to them by his messengers, because he had compassion on his people and on his dwelling place; but they kept mocking the messengers of God, despising his words, and scoffing at his prophets


The Temple has finally been resanctified after many bad years, and once King Josiah (who did was good in the sight of the Lord) died, his sons and their sons did what was evil. But God, being compassionate, tried to warn them, sending prophets and messengers to warn them of their evil ways. But they did not listen. They mocked the messengers and scoffed the prophets, until the wrath of God became so great “there was no remedy”.

First off, I’m hopeful that this was a misunderstanding of God, as I firmly believe that there is nothing I can do to remove myself from God’s love. It is this ultimatum God that makes folks such zealous extremists now. They genuinely believe that God will smite those who cross some line, whether it’s believing in the Muslim Allah and strict reading of the Koran, or sexual identity, or not ascribing to their economic or political agenda. I don’t think there’s an action or belief that separates us from God’s love and mercy, except perhaps our own actions. We can remove ourselves from God’s love, because we walk away from it. But God will not walk away.

Having said that, I am intrigued that the author of Chronicles attributes the fall of Jerusalem to the ignoring of God’s messengers and prophets. The fall of Jerusalem was not caused the people’s disregarding of God’s law, or worshipping idols or other God’s. These things made God angry, but not without remedy. In previous years, people misbehaved then repented and God welcomed them back. But eventually, the people stopped repenting, and they kept misbehaving, so God sent human prophets and messengers to remind the people of their evil ways. It was when those messengers were mocked and disregarded that God’s wrath was immovable.

And what do we say about the mocking and disregarding of Jesus? Jesus was not only mocked, he was killed. And it wasn’t a messenger of God, it was God. And that didn’t doom humanity. To the contrary, despite what we did to this prophet, life, love and light won. That’s an evolved understanding of God’s unflappable love and mercy.

As if that’s not enough to think about, this morning, I’m thinking about the prophets and messengers in our midst. Who’s trying to tell us about God’s message of love? Who are we ignoring? Are we being those messengers? Today, I want to seek out those messengers, as much as I want to be one.

May 25 2021 Day 104 2 Chronicles 29:1–32:33

More battles, kings, deaths, saving

I am growing weary of the narrative of history framed by Chronicles. It started with Adam, tells the story of David, Solomon and the Temple, and takes us to Babylon. I don’t know precisely how many years this covers, but it’s many. And while I understand the importance of ‘chronicling’ the important events of history, I’m wondering about who gets to decide what’s important, and likewise, what’s left out.

During these hundreds or thousands of years, plenty of things must have happened in God’s world, other than battles and the rising and falling of kings and temples. Who was healed by God’s mercy? Who found the love of their life? Who was hurt? Who mourned? This makes me want to read other stories about that same time and space to round out my understanding of what was going on, beyond this one-dimensional male-framed narrative.

And even beyond this specific place, what was happening in the wider world at this time? If everyone and everything is God’s, even if not referenced in writings, God was active in the Egyptian worlds, Chinese dynasties, Native civilizations. It would be fascinating to cast a wider net on the story of salvation, than simply the narrative contained in scripture.

This morning, I’m thinking about how history is written by the victor. It’s written with the perspectives, biases and limitations of the author. Sometimes that’s intentional, but even if it’s not, one person’s narrative cannot possibly describe even the situation they’re in. Add multiple voices and the same situation becomes vastly more complex and accurate. And of course, one person cannot describe a narrative of something they’re not privy to.

For example, King David was alive in the 11th Century BCE. During that same time:

- Melanthus, legendary king of Athens died

- King Wu overthrows the Shang Dynasty

- Evidence of farming was discovered in Kenya

- Phoenician alphabet was invented

- Latins arrive in Rome

And this is only a highlight. What stories, heartaches, graces, and loves I missed because I haven’t searched them out? How is God’s grace evident in the world, outside of the tiny myopic narrative from Chronicles? Like the radio show of Paul Harvey, I’m interested in knowing “The Rest of the Story”. To be clear, I’m not faulting the author of Chronicles, or the editors of our modern-day Bible. But there is plenty of God’s love and grace that I’m missing, because of using that one narrative.

May 23 2021 Day 102 2 Chronicles 21:1–24:27

Although the army of Aram had come with few men, the LORD delivered into their hand a very great army, because they had abandoned the LORD, the God of their ancestors. Thus they executed judgment on Joash.

More battles, more good and evil kings. It feels a little like watching a tennis match, back and forth, back and forth. But occasionally, there are anecdotal snippets of pithy statements. Aram headed into battle, a battle for which he was greatly outnumbered. Aram defeated Joash’s army because Joash had abandoned the Lord.

So if God can do all things, why is obedience required? What do we gain from obeying God’s law? God doesn’t really need me to pray, or be good. God knows all already, and can affect all things in the world, with or without my assistance. So why?

Maybe it’s for me, and not God. There’s a great quote from Kierkegaard that answers the prayer question. “Prayer does not change God, but it changes the one who prays”. God doesn’t need my prayers. But I do. In prayer, I am reminded of my connection with God, that I’m a beloved child of God, and of all of the wonderful things God has done in my life. I can be honest with God about the crappy things. Another quote I saw summed up what prayer does in my life. “It’s up to you alone to find beauty in the worst of days.” Prayer helps me find that beauty. It’s hard not to be reminded of the beauty around and in me, when I pray, even in the worst of days.

And about obedience… Again, God doesn’t need me to behave in any way in particular. God can manage all things without my hands and feet, despite the statement that we are God’s hands and feet in this world. And maybe my obedience and service is for my benefit. It’s in living out the commitments I’ve made to God that I feel like I’m at my best. Seeking and serving Christ in all people. Respecting the dignity of every human being. Spread the good news (even with words sometimes). Striving for justice and peace. When I do these things, I feel better. I feel more aligned with the God who loves me, and loves everyone around me.

With a faith that God can do all things, my prayer and obedience are, I think, more for my benefit than for God’s. I believe both give God joy, and that gives me joy.

This morning, I’m thinking about the joy I get from being obedient to a god who doesn’t need my obedience but asks for it anyway. It’s all for my benefit.

May 22 2021 Day 101 2 Chronicles 17:1–20:37

We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

Jehoshaphat, the king of Judah is battling seemingly everyone. He prays to God that he and his troops will be victorious. The accompanying reflection focuses on petitionary prayer, which is when we ask God for something regarding ourselves. The other kind of asking prayer is intercessory prayer, which is asking on behalf of someone else.

I must admit that I’m not very good at asking God for things. This is in part because of warped sense of humility. Who am I to ask for something? Why would God pay attention to my ask? But part of this is because of the nature of the problems I have and my awareness that I might have no idea what to pray for. Take my sick loved one. On their behalf, do I pray for their miraculous healing? Similar to the idea that there are no atheists in fox holes, I suspect there are few atheists who are loved ones of people with this brain disease. And yet, there are very few documented cases of people being cured from this illness. So if I were to pray for a cure, and it doesn’t come, have I prayed in vain? At a minimum it causes a little testiness in me. Um, God. I’m praying down here, petitioning on behalf of my very sick loved one.

Prayers like this, or sillier ones like praying to win the lottery feel like prayers that are misguided. If praying for my loved one’s cure isn’t really a successful prayer, what do I pray for on their behalf? All of a sudden, I’m overthinking and negotiating with myself about what to pray for that is more in line with what’s reasonable. Pray for their peace. Pray they have some increased insight about their illness so treatment might be plausible.

Likewise for me, I overthink the prayer of petition. Pray I’m able to fully able to cope with the crappy few weeks/months/years. Pray that I find absolute peace. Pray that I never fight or am provoked by my loved one. Pray that I find a great opportunity. These petitions seem pretty self-absorbed, and nearing absurd, like me praying to win the lottery. Knowing there is a limit to what and how I should pray for myself makes me very cautious in my prayers. I don’t like failing. I don’t like overasking. I don’t like setting my prayers up for disappointment. As a result, my petitions end up negotiated requests. And like any bad negotiator, I am negotiating with myself, seeking less than I truly desire.

What if I were to ask for the moon? What if I were to ask for healing for my loved one, and peace for me? God hears the prayers, even the prayers for the closest parking space. God already knows what I need and desire. God is already working on the resolution of all of my woes and those of my loved one. My prayer isn’t the catalyst. It isn’t the prompt that reminds God that my loved one needs healing, or that I need a job. Maybe my intercessory and petition prayers are about me just being honest with myself about what I want. Once those prayers are offered up, I need to presume God already knows about all of this, with or without my prayers. That God has a plan. Maybe my job in that plan is to simply be clear and honest about what I’m seeking for myself and my loved one. Without judgment about whether it’s the right kind of prayer. I’ll give that a try, and hope to avoid the disappointment from my unanswered prayers.

May 21 2021 Day 100 2 Chronicles 14:1–16:14

They entered into a covenant to seek the LORD, the God of their ancestors, with all their heart and with all their soul.

Asa, a king who did what was good in the sight of the Lord, heard a prophecy from Azariah that basically said that if he sought the Lord, the Lord would be found by him. He gathered all the people, and they entered this covenant with God. I’m intrigued by what they sought. They sought to seek the Lord with all their heart and soul. They didn’t promise to follow God or to obey God, just to seek God, with everything they had.

The accompanying reflection is from Thomas Merton and focuses on all of the things we try to do in covenant with God, things that are not necessary or useful. We want prayers that are precise, useful, and rational as we express our needs or when we conceive God. Merton writes however that we shouldn’t lament if we fail to have that sense of order and definition. Likewise, we want sweetness and consolation when we think of God or when we pray. Merton says don’t be surprised if those disappear too. Um, I don’t like this.

I’ve been ‘off work’ for two weeks now, and during most of that my loved one has been hospitalized. I had lots of visions of how I was going to spend my time. Reading, praying, writing, walking. Making some order of this new reality. And while I’ve done some of that, I’m not feeling any more order. I am feeling, as Merton describes that my “imagination is darkened and thrown into disorder”, but I’m not supposed to be alarmed. To be clear, I’m not despondent or losing sleep, but I’m not as clear as I’d hoped.

Merton continues that this place, this place beyond our borders where we cannot function as we have in the past is precisely where God is found. I can write those words, and in my head, I can understand it; I need to be stripped of all of my self-reliant skills and precepts in order to make room for God’s light. And it’s neither comfortable nor intuitively right.

Maybe it’s as simple as what Asa and his people did. All I need to do now is seek God with all my heart and soul. And not be surprised when things feel unsettled. As Merton concludes that in this confused unsettled state, “He is now beginning to infuse into the soul His own Light and His own Love in one general confused experience of mute attraction and peaceful desire.”

This morning, I’m thinking about seeking nothing more than God. Of not trying to get order or clarity. Just using my whole heart and soul to seek God. I’d like to pray that God would create the order and comfort I feel like I need. But I suspect that’s the wrong approach. What I think I need to focus on is that God will provide the comfort to allow me to settle into the unsettledness, to find comfort in the discomfort.

May 20 2021 Day 99 2 Chronicles 10:1–13:22

WHEN the rule of Rehoboam was established and he grew strong, he abandoned the law of the Lord, he and all Israel with him.


Rehoboam was one of the kings who did what was evil in God’s sight. He abandoned the law of the Lord, and what’s interesting to me is that all of Israel went with him. There’s some groupthink going on here.

Today’s reflection is from Kierkegaard, and focuses on how we are all judged by God as individuals, not by the actions of whatever group we’ve allied ourselves with. Even if Rehoboam was their leader, it’s interesting to me that all Israel followed, even good God loving children of God. That says something about human nature.

We take refuge in groups, even if the groups are doing things we aren’t sure are acceptable. Even the best groups or organizations sometimes head in directions that I as an individual don’t support. Church policies, social service agency turf and financial battles, political party opposition bashing. When I align myself with an organization or group, it is so easy to go along to get along. I overlook things I don’t like for the good of the group. And yet.

As Kierkegaard writes, we sometimes try “to hide among the crowd in the hope that God should not be able to recognize one from the other.” All of Israel followed Rehoboam. It was easier to follow, possibly due in part to the protection afforded people in groups. It’s easier for me to go along with an institution or group, than to risk standing up and standing out.

But Kierkegaard continues, “in eternity each shall render account as an individual.”.

This morning, I’m thinking about all of those times I’ve gone along with a group or followed a leader, which resulted in me acting in ways that were not consistent with what I believed to be of God. I want to recognize those instances in my past, so I have a better chance of recognizing them in the future. I do not want to stand before God with my only defense being that others did something. I want to make the choices and decisions based on what I believe is right. In the end, no one else will be standing with me as I stand before God.

May 19 2021 Day 98

Even heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain you, how much less this house that I have built!

Solomon is dedicating his magnificent temple to God. And after having done so, he acknowledges that God cannot be contained in a temple. Oh, that we would remember this!
People of faith throughout the world get tripped up, with the notion that God is somehow contained in a building. I’ve known many good Christians who come to church, pray, repent and worship, and then leave the building, and seemingly leave God there too. Whatever encounters of God they might have had in the building are both forgotten and ne’er repeated. God is conveniently contained in the building. People can come experience God when it’s convenient, or skip it if it’s not convenient.

But that’s not the way God operates. God is everywhere and cannot be contained. If we go to church, God is there. If we go to the grocery store, God is there. If we intentionally skip church for whatever reason, God’s there too.

I absolutely enjoy the fellowship and community created by the physical space of church. And it seems to me that this pandemic has spotlighted this issue our God that cannot be contained. At its worst, the pandemic has highlighted people who have mistaken the building for God’s presence. In some instances, their deep desire to return to the building illustrates that God is in the building, and if they cannot get in the building, they cannot get to God.

At its best, the pandemic has helped strengthen our understanding that the church is not the building, and God is not in the building. We are the church, with or without the bricks and mortar. And God is present in the world, with or without the bricks and mortar.

How is it that I can preach the gospel or be the church when I cannot go into the building? Or when we are able to return, it’s amidst the Scarlet-Letter-ish nature of some people wearing masks and others chiding them? Like Solomon, I need to remember God is present everywhere, bidden or unbidden. In every comer of the world. By loving God and loving my neighbor in all those places, I can spread God’s good news.

May 18 2021 Day 97 2 Chronicles 1:1–5:1

“Because this was in your heart, and you have not asked for possessions, wealth, honor, or the life of those who hate you, and have not even asked for long life, but have asked for wisdom and knowledge for yourself that you may rule my people over whom I have made you king, wisdom and knowledge are granted to you.”

God has asked Solomon what he seeks. Solomon has asked for wisdom. Just wisdom. God likes this request, and in response grants Solomon’s prayer, as well as granting him some extra riches and honor.

I like this for two reasons. First, I like the idea that Solomon is able to pray for precisely what God recognizes as what was in his heart, no more and no less. I sometimes fear that when I pray, I’m throwing in things that I ‘should’ pray for, or I omit things that I feel are too much. Just to pray what is in my heart would be good.

I also like simplicity of praying for wisdom. This is something I’ve always valued, more than smarts or wealth. To have wisdom, to be granted wisdom, is the gift that allows the proper use of all other gifts. When to be generous, when to be smart, when to speak up, and when to be silent. Or said a different way, any other gifts without commensurate wisdom is wasted, or at least has the risk of being misused.

This morning, I’m thinking about wisdom.

Day 96 1 Chronicles 28:1–29:30

"I know, my God, that you search the heart" and update

David is praying as this portion of Chronicles ends. He acknowledges that God searches his heart. He goes on to tell his son Solomon that the “LORD searches every mind, and understands every plan and thought.” It’s a little frightening, if you think about it. Before I pray, before I bring my sanitized version of my prayers, plans and thoughts, God knows them. That’s another reason to skip the sanitizing process. Why bother, when God knows the real story?

The accompanying reflection focuses on the Examen, a prayer and practice of asking God to examine our lives. Why, it ponders, have we gotten away from this rich tradition when we live in a time when we’re all so self-introspective in other ways? Just look at the self-help section of any bookstore!

Praying the examen is basically reviewing the day, and inviting God to search my heart, my thoughts, and plans. Together we look over all of that, and I can come up with some God-informed assessment. With that completed, we can set the course for tomorrow. What should be thought, planned, and done to provide mid-course corrections? What should I do more of or less of?

Having a spotty but persistent practice of a bed-time Examen, I can say that one thing I love about it is that I’m able to make the day count, a little more. As opposed to days blurring into weeks and years, I go to bed with a little more clarity about what went well and where I allowed God to shine. I’m also able to honestly name the places where I got in the way, where my wishes or desires were not in line with God’s, and as a result, my thoughts, words and deeds were not shining God’s light.

Although God searching and knowing my heart is a little frightening, presuming I can do it by myself is perhaps more so. I am so good at unilaterally deciding what is good and bad, right and wrong, and even what is God-worthy, I get it wrong and don’t even know it. If an Examen of my life were left up solely to me, I can imagine I’d assess everything I enjoyed as good, and everything I didn’t like as bad. Everything that didn’t go as I planned, or that was hard would be deemed bad. Pretty sure that’s not God’s way. So I desperately need another voice and view. To be clear, I don’t actually hear God’s voice when I do this. But when I make space for God’s appraisal, I am genuinely able to assess things more clearly against God’s standards, and not mine.

This morning, I’m thinking about how to add more time for Examen in my days and weeks. It’s the most gentle form of evaluation I can imagine, coming from an all-loving God.

Update: My loved one was scheduled to have their arraignment this morning for their burglary charge. We learned that the case was dismissed, so there’s no charge, no arraignment. While we thought that was great news, our loved one was very upset. They wanted to appear before a judge to try to get a restraining order and a divorce from us. They explained that they committed the burglary for the sole purpose of getting before a judge. Their first priority when released from the hospital is to have us take them to appear before a judge for these precise matters. Of course, there is no open calendar for divorces or restraining orders, but we’ll do our best to support them in their plans and when they don’t work out, hopefully we’ll be able to offer more effective routes.

This week, their primary doctor at the hospital is on vacation, and apparently, some fill in doctor has told our loved can be released this week. Today, we have to figure out why, and try to develop a meaningful discharge plan, for a person who wants a restraining order from us, and yet wants to live in a tent in our back yard and use the house. We have to do that without seeming like the sole reason they may be kept in the hospital. Meanwhile, my house remains quiet, and they remain safe.

May 16 2021 Day 95 1 Chronicles 22:2–27:34



But the word of the LORD came to me, saying, “You have shed much blood and have waged great wars; you shall not build a house to my name, because you have shed so much blood in my sight on the earth.”

David is all set to build the Temple, but the Lord says that no, because David has shed so much blood, and waged wars, he shall not build the house. Rather, the job is handed to his son Solomon, who God calls a man of peace. Solomon, the man of peace is charged with building the Temple, not David, the brave king and warrior.

David was a complex person, and still a devoted servant of God. He waged wars he believed were righteous, on behalf of and to protect God’s people. And yet, it’s his violence and warring that strip him of the right to oversee the building of the great Temple.

This is a nuanced difficulty of doing God’s will. We can do all we want, pray, pursue, discern, and still we might be waging wars that ultimately are not deemed of God. How are we to know? How was David to know? I believe that David thought he was doing what God wanted him to do, with a few notable exceptions. And still, too many wars, too much blood shed.

The accompanying reflection is from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who reflects on what constitutes goodness. We tend to decide that something is good in a manner that wholly fits nicely in our perception and conclusions. Two ways we do this is by deciding that goodness is determined by our intention. If we intend good, that’s what matters. But what about David? He may have taken actions intending good, but the outcome resulted in too much blood shed. In my life, I may choose a particular approach with my husband or kids that I intend to be good, but it definitely doesn’t have the desired outcome, despite my best intentions.

The other problem Bonhoeffer points out is that human intentions are so greatly affected by the human holding the intentions, and their background. I’ve had friends offer well intentioned counsel about my loved one that are patently not helpful. Don’t let them change the kitty litter (toxoplasmosis as cause), feed them lots of fat (keto diet will solve their problems), consider disowning them (remove me from harm’s way). These suggestions all come from a place of absolute good intentions, and these people are good hearted, mostly healthy folks. And yet their good intentions don’t translate to helpful to me. And what about people who are so broken, or dark and twisted that their ‘good’ intentions have no basis in my reality. People who give their babies alcohol to quiet them down. The point is that good intention alone cannot be the measure of what God considers good.

The other way we measure goodness is by the outcome. If something results in a good outcome, it’s good. What about policies that allow for the death of some to save the life of others? Or trying to jail or shoo away homeless people so the well-heeled can be more comfortable in their economic core? If the outcome happens to be good while the motives or means are horrid, that’s not necessarily good by God’s standard either.

The other problem with outcomes is when do we stop measuring the impact of an outcome? Take well-intentioned-but-ill-executed charity. People give Christmas presents to ‘the poor’. The donors feel good, the children may feel good. The parents, unable to care for their kids may not feel good. They may feel ashamed. Or the system may create an unintended giving up by the parents, since others will take care of that problem. I am definitely not saying these consequences happen all the time. But I am saying that we cannot stop our assessment of ‘goodness’ by the easy outcomes, or the ones we want to see.

So what are we to do with our best intentions, and our best outcomes? All of our thoughts, words and deeds need to be solely focused on loving God, and loving our neighbor. I don’t think that indemnifies us or guarantees we won’t make bad choices, but it will sure help provide guideposts along the way.

Day 94 1 Chronicles 17:1–22:1

He called upon the LORD, and he answered him with fire from heaven on the altar of burnt offering.



David builds an altar, and God answers David’s call with a consuming fire. Chronicles is more than a story of what people did during this time, but also of God showing up at any time. The accompanying refection focuses on God’s everyday presence, and asks where have I seen God’s presence in the everyday. How do I recognize thy kingdom come on earth?

I’ll start with the obvious. Every morning when I wake up, have my coffee, sit in my prayer chair and stare out the window, I sense God’s presence and throw up a brief ‘thank you’. Even on the toughest days, this moment is sacred. The nice thing is that it’s a sacred certainty because I’ve made it one. By doing this sitting, praying, reflecting and writing nearly daily, the space and time are steeped in the holy. When I don’t start my day this way, I’ve missed that special time. And it’s not the same if I come back mid-day. There’s something about this intentional time that makes it a God moment.

Throughout my day, there are episodic moments where God’s presence is apparent, but I do walk through my days without that sense of God’s watchful eye on me. If I stop to think about it, I almost always can assent to that idea. But frequently, I don’t stop so I just walk blindly through my day.

How might I build in more prompts, like my morning prayer time, to remind me of God’s oversight throughout the day? I know habits are built and strengthened, so perhaps I could think of something I do every day already, and make an intentional connection with God.

When I pick up my phone to look at the news, maybe I could think about God’s presence throughout the world and in those news stories. The prompt is already there, as I do pick up my phone throughout the day. Maybe when I see the wind blowing the trees as they are now, I could relate that to the Holy Spirit’s presence. When my watch prompts me to breath, maybe that’s a prompt. I had a colleague who’d set up his phone to chime on the hour, and regardless of where he was or what he was doing, he’d use that as a prompt. The possibilities are endless, especially with a smart phone.

This morning, I’m thinking about how to add more prompts in my day to remind me of God’s ever-presence.

May 14 2021 Day 93 1 Chronicles 13:1–16:43



David was afraid of God that day; he said, “How can I bring the ark of God into my care?”

Poor Uzzah. He’s travelling with David and the ark, and the oxen shake the ark, so Uzzah puts his hand out to steady the ark, lest if fall. Apparently, God did not like this, Uzzah touching the ark, so God struck him down and he died. Meanwhile, David is supposed to be taking the ark for safe keeping, and after seeing Uzzah struck down, he has second thoughts. More than that, he is afraid of God that day. If I’d seen God strike someone down for doing something I might inadvertently do, I’d be afraid too.

The reflection accompanying the reading asks if I’ve ever been afraid of God. Without hesitation, I can say no, I’ve never been afraid of God. I have absolute faith God’s plan will ultimately be good and right and light. The road to get there isn’t always easy, but I trust that the end game is good.

I know others who fear God, or fear God’s actions. I don’t understand that, as I don’t think God does mean or bad things. I’m not sure what to say about poor Uzzah. Maybe he had a heart condition, and the timing of his fatal attack resulted in David drawing the conclusion that it was God’s doing. Or maybe Uzzah had horrible things going on in his world, and his death was actually the best thing for him. Or maybe I’m naïve, and should be more fearful of a vengeful God.

In my current world, I don’t think that any of the challenging things I’m facing are without God’s hand and God’s providence. I don’t always understand the whys or hows. I don’t think God struck my loved one with an incurable brain disease. As a result, I don’t need to comb my brain for the thing I did that caused God’s wrath. I don’t need to wonder what my loved one did to deserve this, as if it’s causal. While I believe God is present, I don’t think that every bad thing is attributable to God. Sometimes, in fact, s*?t happens. And God is present when it does, and as the pieces are picked up.

Yesterday, I turned in my keys at my job that was eliminated, a job I loved. I don’t blame God for that. I don’t fear God’s retribution. I may not understand the plan, but I know there is one. I just wish it wasn’t so hard to follow sometimes.

Day 93 1 Chronicles 13:1–16:43

Chronicles

The two books of Chronicles, originally one book, were written by someone who’s purpose was to document the facts of Israel’s exile to Babylon and eventual return to their home land. The first nine chapters are solely a recounting of lineage, reminding this people of their roots. Then the stories turn to a recounting of the exile and return, beginning with Saul’s death. Many of these stories we’ve already read about in the book of Kings. It feels a little redundant to read them again.

And yet. I appreciate the value of chronicling things, of trying to capture just facts while they’re fresh. Having said that, I’m not sure it’s possible to report just the facts. The facts are always portrayed from the perspective of the story teller or fact finder. Something as simple as saying ‘the grass is green’, may not be so simple. As someone who’s color blind, and their truth is that the grass is some hue of mud. As a color expert, and they might say the grass is hunter green or forest green. In the world of colors, there are hex codes that tell a computer or paint mixer the precise color. There are over fifty hex codes for the color green. So what color is the grass? Honestly, it depends who you ask.

In our current divisive world, it’s so incredibly difficult to figure out what the facts are. So much is defined by the person who framed the facts. Even if we take out the people who intentionally manipulate the facts to fit their narrative, if a reporter says the grass is green, there’s plenty of legitimate room for disagreement with that simple fact.

This is also true for the current pandemic, vaccines, police intentions, racism, religion – everything. I’m someone who’s always strived for objective truth, and it is so incredibly difficult to obtain. Just look at the argumentative comments on social media. Even accounting for the argumentative sods, finding the ‘truth’ is hard, perhaps impossible.

I’m reminded of that whole internet debate that raged over the color of the dress, (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_dress) blue and black or gold and white. If the perception of colors are determined by the observer, where does that leave us? Honestly, I’m not going to convince the color expert that the grass is green, any more than the color blind person can convince me it’s mud colored. In case you’re wondering, the dress is obviously blue and black, at least according to my brain.

In my home world, my observations about what’s happening with my loved one and my husband’s vary. We’ve learned that the differences stem from our perceptions and our values. More important, we’ve learned that when it really matters, when we really need to be on the same page, we can get to a common shared understanding. But it requires a lot of time, honesty and vulnerability. Eventually, I can understand why he sees things differently. He’s not wrong, any more than I’m wrong. But our perceptions of the dress color differ, even though you’d think there is just one set of facts. Eventually, we can understand each others’ reasoning, and we can either come to a shared understanding, or sometimes we just have to agree to one person’s observations. If, for example our loved one’s health was predicated on our shared understanding of the dress color, we’d likely just agree to one set of facts, even if our perceptions differed.

Getting to a shared perspective with him is immensely easier than doing the same with our loved one. They are still hospitalized, and honestly believe it is a simple misunderstanding or error, and clearly we need to come pick them up immediately. They genuinely don’t understand why they’re being kept in the most secure unit of the hospital, with all of those other ill people. And like the dress, I will not be able to convince them of my perception of the truth. Their truth is 100% true in their perception.

So what are we to do with facts about politics, virus, vaccine, race, police, religion, pro-life, gun laws, homelessness, addicts? Everyone’s facts are 100% theirs and 100% true to them. I don’t intend to dissuade anyone about their perception of the facts. But I do think it’s important that I remember that someone else’s legitimate understanding of facts that differs from mine, is also 100% theirs and 100% true. Why argue facts?

Like the chronicler, all I can do is compile the facts as I understand them, and draw my own conclusions. If you look at the same facts and draw different conclusions, I absolutely need to figure out how to have room for us both. My conclusion that is mutually exclusive to yours doesn’t make me right and you wrong, any more than vice versa. My truth is right, and so is yours. If we could start with that as our shared truth, maybe we’d get further in figuring out how to just get along.

May 10 2021 Day 91 1 Chronicles 1:1–9:44

Legacy & Update

We’ve begun the waltz through Chronicles, the first nine chapters of which are recitations of genealogy: Adam to Abraham, and on down the line. It was easy-ish reading, because I admit I skimmed through who was whose mother, and children.

The reflective prompts for the reading focus on heritage and legacy. Do I understand my place in the story of humanity that stretches back to these named Scripture greats? And what do I think of my legacy, of those who will come after me? Hmm. Other than my maternal grandparents, I didn’t grow up with a family that was extended. I didn’t have cousins to visit, and didn’t even know much about my ancestors. My mom was an only child, and my dad had two sisters. Because my dad was 15 years older than my mom and my parents waited nearly 15 years before their surprise kids, his sisters’ kids (my cousins), were significantly older than me. I can’t even tell you how many first cousins I have. It’s not that I don’t love the idea of extended family. I just didn’t grow up in the midst of one. I contrast this with my husband who has three sisters, and eight first cousins all close in age. When they’d get together, it was a big rowdy Hawley party.

My dad’s mom had one sister, who I don’t believe ever had kids. Or so he thought. It turns out that his mom was disowned by her parents for playing piano in a movie house, and only one of her numerous siblings (eight maybe?) stuck with her. My dad found out in his seventies that he had a bevy of first cousins, but if you knew my dad, you’d know that he would have found that interesting, and then moved on to the next interesting thing.

On my mom’s side, my grandmother had one sibling who died young. And I never knew anything about my maternal grandfather. But thanks to Ancestry.com, it turns out he had several siblings, all of whom had several kids.

So between long lost siblings, age difference and disowning, I didn’t associate with and didn’t even know I had a tribe. I also couldn’t trace my lineage back beyond my grandparents. I guess I knew we came from somewhere, but it also felt like we were a nuclear family tribe of our own. All of this is to say that my sense of heritage is vague.

But my sense of legacy is strong. I have three kids, all acquired differently. One step, one biological, one adopted. All three are mine. In all three I see attributes of mine as well as from my parents. My oldest, who I inherited through marriage is a wise, pragmatic mother and occasionally I see in her things that look so much like my mom, it absolutely proves the value of nurture over nature. My biological son is so much like my dad it’s frightening, and my youngest adopted daughter has a spirit I see from my grandmother. I have four grandchildren from my inherited daughter, one of which she inherited through marriage, and I’m not sure if there will be others.

And through my kids, I see my family legacy. I see the traits of my family passed on and influencing my kids and everyone they come in contact with, hopefully mostly the good traits. Even if I don’t know where my mom got her wisdom, or my dad his wit.

Update: My loved one remains in the hospital. This was the first time they’ve been hospitalized after we became legal guardians. We took that action because we had been effectively shut out of their care and placement decisions because of their age and the fact that the illness made us the enemies in their mind. We could not have conversations with the care team, and often release plans were made with only our sick loved one’s input, never mind that they were unable to make rational decisions.

We had hoped that with guardianship, we’d be able to have more ability to partner with the civil system, where a court would rule that they needed treatment or hospitalization, and once hospitalized, we’d be able to have meaningful conversations with the care team.

Alas, that’s not how this guardianship thing is working so far. It turns out that our guardianship preempts the civil placement process. That means that while before our loved one was held because the medical and legal systems agreed they needed to be held, now it is up to us as guardians. The courts will not even review their case. No hearing, no judge, no civil commitment. It’s easier for the courts to NOT have to consider this case. Instead, it’s entirely up to us. Our loved one is currently, and will continue to be held on a “guardian hold”. When our loved one asks if they can be released, the hospital will say it is up to us, her guardians. Ugh.

Apparently, our loved one has already hit up the social workers, explaining that their hospitalization is entirely a mistake and they should be able to leave. They’ve also called us, requesting that we come pick them up immediately. The only partner we have in this is the medical team, which as of yet, has not contacted us. Our plan is to discuss with our loved one that we will agree with the medical care team that they need treatment and need to remain hospitalized as long as the care team recommends. Of course, our loved one will know that we have the ability to ‘break them out’ of the hospital at any time, and will be very very angry when we don’t.

We will also try to remind our loved one that they’re in the hospital because of their behavior and the police’s decision that they needed to be on a public safety hold. Our loved one is the only one who can put themselves in the hospital, but once there, we can keep them in. It will not be a fun conversation, and the relationship with our loved one could be damaged further in the process. Our hope is that they are treated long enough to get stable enough that we cease being seen as the villains.

And for now, they are safe.

May 10 2021 Day 90 2 Kings 22:1–25:30

Before him there was no king like him, who turned to the LORD with all his heart, with all his soul, and with all his might.

Josiah was a king who did what was good in the Lord’s sight. Repeatedly. Consistently. He wasn’t perfect, but he repeatedly returned to God. With all his heart, with all his soul and with all his might. And yet, upon meeting Pharaoh of Egypt, he was killed in battle. So the question arises, if he was so good, why did he die that way?

Again, I’m grateful for the accompanying reflection, this time by Madeline L’Engle (author of A Wrinkle in Time, and other kid classics). The reflection opens with the reminder that the stories of the great scriptural characters are not about fairness. Using a phrase made famous in my house by Scar (Lion King), she writes, “Life’s not fair”.

It turns out, she and Scar are right. Life is not fair. And it never was promised to be. It’s us, and our transactional tit-for-tat way of thinking that have overlaid the fallacy that things are supposed to be fair. She suggests that holding on to this notion that everything should be fair is crippling for adults, and that it takes great bravery to live in a world where fairness is not a real part of our world, and shouldn’t be expected.

Perhaps the most striking concept I’ve seen in a long time is one she so eloquently summarizes. “One of Satan’s most successful ploys is his insistence that things ought to be fair. The good should be rewarded; the bad should be punished. … That is not now grace works”.

All this time, I’ve been thinking that it’s my super-human adherence to right and wrong and to justice that has resulted in my sense that the world’s not fair, that somehow there’s something broken with God’s hearing or understanding, because CLEARLY, that’s not fair.

This will take some to totally sink in to my head, but I absolutely love this. It’s not God that’s ever promised fairness. It’s the insidious whispers of the devil that make me feel slighted because things aren’t fair. Fairness is a ploy of the devil, and one that I have followed blindly for years and years.

God’s grace isn’t transactional. We don’t earn it because we’ve been good. It’s not withheld if we’re bad. Redemption isn’t transactional. We don’t earn it because we’ve been good. And it’s not withheld if we’re bad. We’ve nothing to prove. Nothing to do. Just love God and love our neighbor. The rest is entirely God’s grace, and we’ve got nothing to do with it.

May 9 2021 Day 89 2 Kings 18:1–21:26

Prayer

The reading of Kings continues with more good and evil kings, many of whom pray to their god, whether it be the God of Israel or other gods. The accompanying reflection focuses in on prayer. Eugene Peterson, the author reflects that in prayer, we are our most genuine – when we are able to remember that prayer is about God, not about us. Prayer is a time to simply be in God’s presence, and if lucky, to listen to God. I must admit that very rarely to I hear God, although I do sense God’s presence.

The problem with prayer is that it’s so easy for us to turn it around, and make it about us. We sometimes pray to God so that God notices how good we are, how wealthy we are, how miserable we are. Who doesn’t like to be noticed, or special? And when that happens, we need to refocus and remember that prayer is a time to focus on God, not for God to focus on us.

I’m definitely guilty of this. I pray that my dilemmas will be noticed and resolved. One of the challenges with this is that when I frame my prayer with my outlook of problem and solution, that leaves little room for God. God absolutely has the ability to reframe, renew and resurrect my tired old problems into something that’s not problematic at all. But if I come to my time of prayer certain of the ‘problem statement’, then if my perceived problem isn’t addressed as I’ve stated, it feels like God didn’t hear, didn’t respond, didn’t care.

If instead, I bring the truths of my life to God absent the oh-so-helpful-framing, perhaps I leave more room for God to provide the framing. I’m not talking about simply a glass half empty or full perspective. This isn’t about just rosy and unrealistic optimism. But I know that I don’t know as much as God. I know that I cannot see the fullness of my world as much as God sees.

For example, this past week, my loved one was picked up by the police and taken to the hospital. They are currently being held and next week we’ll have the opportunity to check in with their care team to find out what’s next. God knows this. I don’t need to describe the problem in my limited perspective, and more important, with my limited outlook of what’s best. Rather, in my prayer time, I’ll just hand it all over to God, the parts I. know and can understand and especially the parts I don’t see or understand. Instead of having to construct the story problem and await God’s correct answer, I’ll just lay out the facts, and let God do all of that.

Last week, I also unexpectedly concluded my employment with the Diocese. I could frame the ‘problem’ as I see it, and await God’s appropriate response. But that’s so limiting, because I’m sure I don’t see the whole story. Instead, I’ll trust that God has all the facts, and I’ll await God’s counsel or direction. Of course, that is not likely to be on MY timeline, so I’ll need to practice patience.

Today, I’ll offer up to God all of the truths of my life, and rest in the surety of God’s providence. That’s all I need to do.

May 8 2021 Day 88 2 Kings 14:1–17:41



They did wicked things, provoking the LORD to anger; 12 they served idols, of which the LORD had said to them, “You shall not do this.”

In addition to the difficult names of the kings in Judah and Israel, the prompts of some doing what was good in God’s sight and others doing what was evil, there’s something else that has peppered the readings from Kings; there is a great deal of idol worshipping. People putting up monuments and altars to other Gods. This is something that is so foreign to our lives, that it’s hard to imagine.

I have never seen someone put up an altar to a foreign god, or worship other Gods. Obviously it was a big problem back then, as it was one of God’s top ten commandments handed to Moses. Even when I first learned about commandments, that one struck me as barely relevant. Thou shalt have no other god but me. I remember thinking that if someone wasn’t going to believe in God, why would they opt for another one? Why is this even a thing to warn against?

But reading about all of the evil kings, countries and people worshipping other gods, it clearly was a big problem. This morning, I’m thinking about whether this is really an outdated irrelevant commandment or not.

Perhaps in the 21st century US, we don’t have that many literal altars and monuments being built to other gods, but perhaps we have an even greater problem if you think more figuratively. If we are commanded to not have no other god, the question is whether we have other things we worship, besides God. Of course I do.

I worship the god of productivity and usefulness. I didn’t think I did, but now that I’m facing a lack of productive useful tasks, I realize that I could easily fill my time with other tasks, to make my offering of usefulness to that god. I recall that at one point in my formation and studies, I was asked to shadow a very laid back priest, very intuitive, quiet, and calm. I told him that I worried that if I didn’t have anything to do in my internship, I’d feel like Linus, following the gang around without anything to do. He pointedly asked me what was wrong with that, that my presence was important, with or without tasks. The plight of the Marthas of the world.

I also worship the god of knowledge and control. I want to know what is happening in my future. I want to know what is happening with my loved one, who’s back in the hospital. This hospital does not allow any in-person visits due to the pandemic, and our loved one will certainly not want to talk with us soon. I want to know.

There are others who worship the gods of power, wealth, and prestige. Their altars are visible all around, both big and small.

So maybe we do need that commandment after all. Put no god before God. It turns out that God’s will, God’s kingdom actually bring down all of those other altars. With absolute faith in God’s way, I don’t need control or knowledge. With absolute faith in God’s gift of unconditional and unwarranted love, I don’t need to be productive or efficient. With absolute faith in God’s treasures, we don’t need earthly power, wealth or prestige.

Today, I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for the altars I’ve erected to false gods, and try to think about God’s antidote.

Day 87 2 Kings 11:1–13:25



But the LORD was gracious to them and had compassion on them; he turned toward them, because of his covenant with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob

Yet more kings with names that aren’t familiar, sound like other names, some are good and some are evil. Without a comprehensive family tree, I don’t know how I’d keep track of who was who. And still there’s things to learn. The reflection today focuses on God’s justice and mercy, and it too, made me scratch my head. Eventually, I warmed to the ideas.

In God’s world, Justice is when people receive treatment fitting their behavior; rewards for good and punishment for ill. The Old Testament is full of examples of justice, what with all of the kings and kingdoms being decimated because of doing what was evil in God’s sight. God’s mercy is shown when despite ill behavior, God reigns down love and graciousness. And there are plenty of examples of God’s mercy in the Old Testament as well, when good things happen to bad people.

The reflection focuses on the relationship between the two; how one cannot exist without the other. If God were only just, we’d all be doomed. We’ve all been ill behaved We’ve all been ill behaved. Mercy shows up as a stark contrast to justice. Likewise, If God were only merciful, it wouldn’t feel right. Justice is needed to hold God’s kingdom in order, but mercy is the greater gift.

As the author reflects, God shows kindness on the sinner as an act of mercy. God holds the sinner accountable as an act of justice. Both are needed, and both are entirely and solely in God’s domain, at least in a way that is God-like. In my observation of people, we have a predisposition to one or the other of these, and when we act in our slightly myopic way, it becomes clear that we need the other.

I, for example, am exceedingly good and clear at the justice half of this equation. And without mercy, my best intentions look legalistic solely punitive, and ultimately uncaring. Others I know are exceedingly good and clear with the mercy half of this equation. Without justice, mercy looks enabling, gullible, and ultimately uncaring. Both are needed, and God is probably the only one who can strike an appropriate balance.

This morning, I’m thinking about my disposition towards justice, and how I might insert more mercy in my thinking and actions. It’s not as easy as just deciding to be more merciful, as that’s just not how I’m wired. But luckily, I’ve got people around me who are wired that way. I need to let their merciful tendencies win the day, and thank them for it.

Day 86 2 Kings 8:16–10:36

[Naaman], though a mighty warrior, suffered from leprosy.



This reading was another slog. Kings with unfamiliar names who did what was good in the sight of the Lord. More kings with unfamiliar but strangely similar to other unfamiliar names who did what was evil in the sight of the Lord. Once again, I’m grateful for the accompanying reflection, as the source reading was hard see as anything more than a litany of good and bad behaving kings. And lots of killing by both evil and good. The accompanying reflection is by John Wesley, and focuses on our partialness. Naaman was a good man, although he had leprosy. He was partially good, and partially broken. Just like all of us.

Wesley advocates that we need to always remember we are incomplete or partial, and our wholeness may come from others. We need to listen to advice and critique, and we need to be careful not to develop unintended pride because of what we think we know, or the because of the grace given to us. He writes, “Even to imagine that those who are not saved cannot teach you is a very great and serious mistake.” We can learn from anyone, everyone. And those other people could be precisely what I need to round out my partialness. Even if they aren’t ‘saved’, or if I don’t like them.

Today is my last day of employment with the Diocese. My paid and volunteer positions were both eliminated. Today, I need to remember that all of the people involved have something to teach me. All of these people help complete my partialness. I need to be willing to see and accept those contributions, even as I lick my wounds.

Today, I will work with my loved one to arrange a meeting with social security, so they can talk to the social security folks about how I’m stealing their money, how they should be allowed to manage it themselves, how their money shouldn’t have been reduced simply because they were given Medicare, and how their money should be increased because they are living in a tent, and shouldn’t have to have any of their money used for housing. Today, I need to remember that all people have something to teach me, to help complete my partialness. I need to be willing to see and accept those contributions, even as I scratch my head as to the thinking.

May 5 2021 Day 85 2 Kings 1:1–8:15

[I]f the prophet had commanded you to do something difficult, would you not have done it?

Naaman has leprosy. He’s gone to Elisha to be healed. Elisha tells him to go wash seven times in the nearby river. Naaman leaves angry, saying that aren’t the rivers in Damascus better than the rivers in Israel? He came to be healed, and he could have just as easily washed in his own rivers, without the travel, without the humility. His servants pointed out, however that if the cure had been something more difficult, Naaman would have done it without question. So Naaman goes into the Israeli river, washes seven times, and is made clean.

I’m struck by this human tendency to dismiss the easy, to seek complicated things when simpler things would do. If what Naaman wanted was to be healed, what did he have to lose to wash in that river?

Perhaps he’d presumed that his problem was so complex that it couldn’t be resolved with a simple fix. His big, complex problems deserved big, complex fixes. Maybe he assumed that he deserved a big fix, that it would say more about the bigness of his dilemma. But that’s backwards, isn’t it? You’d think that humanity would seek the simpler, easier solution, the path of least resistance. But when it comes to our problems, we want to think they’re a big hairy mess that no simple solution could resolve. After all, if a simple solution fixed it, maybe it wasn’t so big of a problem.

I have done this too. My problems are certainly more complex than a simple fix, so when the simple counsel is offered, it’s hard to not be skeptical. Note to self, pay attention to the simple solutions. They might just work.

In my home world, I can see places where the simple solution should be given a try. My sick loved one is currently living on our property in a tent, and has been since we found them at a homeless encampment 2 hours away. Our loved one is not taking medicine, and not making sense to me. Yesterday, they talked to the police to try to file a restraining order on me because they overheard me talking about my past week, which involved parts of their story too. They continue to wear a helmet in the house, because someone might hit them in the head.

The complicated solution, the solution that matches my perceived understanding of the complicated problem involves medicines (they aren’t taking and have sworn never to), a court determination of the need for hospitalization (which would be a huge stressor for everyone), and a hospitalization (which our loved one has sworn to avoid, and honestly won’t cure them). Although it would provide a respite for me, that complex solution is hard, stressing, and temporary.

The simpler response, the response that causes the least amount of stress is to support our loved one as they live in the tent. They’re not hurting anyone, and most importantly, happy. It may not be a long term cure, but given the nature of disease, there is no cure, long term or short term. Why should I decide that their way of life, their way of seeing things is not right? I don’t think I’d be happy living in a tent, but I’m not, so it doesn’t matter. Besides, living in a tent might in fact be a better option than meds that drastically alter personality and thinking, a contentious court battle, and a frightening hospitalization.

If someone could give me a 1000 step process to make my loved one happy, I’d take those steps. Today, I have a much simpler option which is to support them right where they are, as long as they’re happy and not hurting anyone. This morning, I’m thinking about taking the easy option for once.

May 4 2021 Day 84

I hate him, for he never prophesies anything favorable about me, but only disaster.”

The King of Israel is talking with the King of Judah. The King of Israel has asked four hundred prophesies about whether he should got to battle against Ramoth-gilead. Despite their collective response that yes, Israel should go into battle, the King of Judah wasn’t so sure, and asked for a 401st opinion. The King of Israel’s response was that yes, there was one more, but he hated that one because he never prophesies anything favorable about him, only disaster.

First of all, why would you need another opinion if 400 prophesies concur that you should take a specific course of action? Then again, don’t we all do this? Shop for better advice when we don’t like the first advice? I’m not talking about getting a second medical opinion, which seems like a reasonable check and balance when it comes to expensive and risky medical procedures.

I’m talking about shopping for the best answer. Anyone with kids, or who was once a kid, knows how this works. One parent is the enforcer, one is the nice one. Kids learned to not only shop for the better answer but to skip the first question entirely. The same principle applies, though. We seek advice that we want to hear.

The other thing about this that is so convicting is the part where the King actually hates the 401st prophecy because it’s always disaster. It’s one thing to avoid the feedback of people whose counsel you don’t like, it’s another thing entirely to hate the person offering the counsel.

In my home, I’m the enforcer, and my husband is the pushover. All of our kids have known this and used it to their advantage. And relationships with the kids was more strained during those enforcement years because of this phenomenon of hating the person with the disastrous counsel, or the person with the less-favorable ruling. Luckily, it’s a strain that generally only lasts as long as that power dynamic is in effect; with my adult children, relationships are fine. I’m sure they both would recall that I played the bad cop to my husband’s good cop, but everyone is happy to let bygones be bygones.

Why is it that we seek the counsel of those who will support our view? Is it the same as us seeking and worshipping a God who supports our view? Do we really need that much positive external affirmations that we’re willing to dismiss others who disagree with us, who’d offer prophesies of disaster? Are we willing to hate them because of their views? Unfortunately, it seems like the answer is yes, we are.

This morning, I’m thinking about the wisdom of those who disagree with me, about what they might teach me about a different world view. In the book, The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama, he writes that we should thank our enemies and those who disagree with us. It’s through those people that we best learn the traits of forgiveness, tolerance, compassion and empathy. We should thank them for giving us so many opportunities to hone our skills. Can we do that with people who disagree with us?