Day 96 1 Chronicles 28:1–29:30

"I know, my God, that you search the heart" and update

David is praying as this portion of Chronicles ends. He acknowledges that God searches his heart. He goes on to tell his son Solomon that the “LORD searches every mind, and understands every plan and thought.” It’s a little frightening, if you think about it. Before I pray, before I bring my sanitized version of my prayers, plans and thoughts, God knows them. That’s another reason to skip the sanitizing process. Why bother, when God knows the real story?

The accompanying reflection focuses on the Examen, a prayer and practice of asking God to examine our lives. Why, it ponders, have we gotten away from this rich tradition when we live in a time when we’re all so self-introspective in other ways? Just look at the self-help section of any bookstore!

Praying the examen is basically reviewing the day, and inviting God to search my heart, my thoughts, and plans. Together we look over all of that, and I can come up with some God-informed assessment. With that completed, we can set the course for tomorrow. What should be thought, planned, and done to provide mid-course corrections? What should I do more of or less of?

Having a spotty but persistent practice of a bed-time Examen, I can say that one thing I love about it is that I’m able to make the day count, a little more. As opposed to days blurring into weeks and years, I go to bed with a little more clarity about what went well and where I allowed God to shine. I’m also able to honestly name the places where I got in the way, where my wishes or desires were not in line with God’s, and as a result, my thoughts, words and deeds were not shining God’s light.

Although God searching and knowing my heart is a little frightening, presuming I can do it by myself is perhaps more so. I am so good at unilaterally deciding what is good and bad, right and wrong, and even what is God-worthy, I get it wrong and don’t even know it. If an Examen of my life were left up solely to me, I can imagine I’d assess everything I enjoyed as good, and everything I didn’t like as bad. Everything that didn’t go as I planned, or that was hard would be deemed bad. Pretty sure that’s not God’s way. So I desperately need another voice and view. To be clear, I don’t actually hear God’s voice when I do this. But when I make space for God’s appraisal, I am genuinely able to assess things more clearly against God’s standards, and not mine.

This morning, I’m thinking about how to add more time for Examen in my days and weeks. It’s the most gentle form of evaluation I can imagine, coming from an all-loving God.

Update: My loved one was scheduled to have their arraignment this morning for their burglary charge. We learned that the case was dismissed, so there’s no charge, no arraignment. While we thought that was great news, our loved one was very upset. They wanted to appear before a judge to try to get a restraining order and a divorce from us. They explained that they committed the burglary for the sole purpose of getting before a judge. Their first priority when released from the hospital is to have us take them to appear before a judge for these precise matters. Of course, there is no open calendar for divorces or restraining orders, but we’ll do our best to support them in their plans and when they don’t work out, hopefully we’ll be able to offer more effective routes.

This week, their primary doctor at the hospital is on vacation, and apparently, some fill in doctor has told our loved can be released this week. Today, we have to figure out why, and try to develop a meaningful discharge plan, for a person who wants a restraining order from us, and yet wants to live in a tent in our back yard and use the house. We have to do that without seeming like the sole reason they may be kept in the hospital. Meanwhile, my house remains quiet, and they remain safe.