Mar 21 2020 Psalm 90

So teach us to number our days that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.


It’s all over us. All of this fear and suffering. We’re just in the beginning, I fear, of this pandemic, and how we will be asked to respond. In my household, our son was effectively evicted from his dorm in one of the east coast hot spots. He couch surfed for a while, and landed in New York with his girlfriend. Now, he’s stuck in NY, although I suspect it’s not the worst place, as far as he’s concerned. A shelter-in-place order is likely coming in Portland, so we’ll be stuck. Meanwhile, our sick loved one remains in the hospital. The news is full of stories about the pandemic, its effects, dire warnings and talk of shortages.

And yet. This morning’s psalm reminds us to number our days. During this time of anxiety, that sounds a little ominous, but really, I believe it’s life affirming. During this time of pandemic, the reality of the fact that our days will, in fact, have a countable number, is more palpable. Of course our days are numbered. They’ve always been numbered. It’s not an onerous or scary thing; it’s a fact. The psalmist is reminding us to remember that it’s a finite number – enjoy the ones we have.

This reminds me of a book I recently read, When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalanithi. He was a neurosurgeon, who developed terminal lung cancer as a very young, non-smoking, doctor. The book is his reflection of life and dying, and I found it deeply moving. One phrase he repeated was that “until I actually die, I am still living”.

Instead of being morbid, his simple mantra reminds that life is really a on/off, yes/no, either/or proposition. Unless I am dead, I am fully alive. It’s only my frenetic mind and a panicked country that add shades of gray. I’m living, but I’m stuck in my house… I’m living, but I’m worried. . No. There’s no But. I’m living.

Teach me to number my days. The days I’m alive, and l can love, and be loved. Until I die, I am alive.

This morning, I’m thinking about what a tragedy it is that we allow worry to diminish or conditionalize our aliveness. Today, I want to think about numbering my days, not because I have an eerie sense of doom, but because I want to remember that I am fully, entirely, unconditionally alive. I want to live like that for those numbered days, regardless of what’s happening in my house or in my world.