Test me, O Lord, and try me; examine my heart and my mind.
I admit it. I don’t like tests. I always feel like it’s an incomplete picture, that I’ll forget to say or write something that I genuinely know, and the graders won’t see the real me, or what I really know. When I had to take written tests to become ordained, I originally was deemed to “not meet competency” in four of five tests. This felt like a crushing defeat. I worried that if asked to retake the same test, I’d fail again. By the grace of God, the remediation was much better than the original test, and I was able to demonstrate competency. I remember thinking that those failed tests said more about the examiners than it did about me.
I believe I am not alone. Few of us like to be tested. Even the smartest kid in the room dislikes tests, deep down. Those smartest kids? They have the most to prove or the most to lose with a test. I speak for all humanity; we don’t particularly like tests or being tested.
So if that’s true, I’m surprised that this phrase is what strikes me this morning. Test me, O Lord and try me.
This portion of Psalm 26 is talking about integrity, about doing the right thing sometimes when no one is looking. To me, this Psalm is talking about how life’s challenges are all tests. Or maybe better, opportunities to demonstrate what we’re made of.
It’s not about how I behave through those tests – I don’t need to always have a sunny disposition and make lemonade. It’s not about what the outcome of those tests – things don’t have to turn out well. I think it’s about how I see those challenges, and how I hold on to my faith in the midst of them.
Some years ago, I was plagued with a mentally ill stalker. It was a tumultuous time, with constant emails, and public web postings about me, my children, my integrity. After 4 years of haranguing, and a permanent stalking order, she is in prison, based on violations of similar behavior to other victims. This whole circumstance was crappy. I wasn’t happy about it. And I would not ever say it ended well. A seriously mentally ill person is in prison, unlikely to be getting the help she needs. And while I was going through this, I did not enjoy it or find it like a rewarding test from God. I had no such positive platitudes.
But what I can say happened, or at least I hope happened, is that I walked through that life test with integrity. I held on to my belief that I’m called to seek and serve Christ in all people. Respect the dignity of every human being. Strive for justice and peace. Proclaim the good news of God through my words and action.
To be clear, I didn’t think, “This is stinky. But God is watching so I’d better behave or be good”. There was no sense of an examiner over my shoulder. Rather, in hindsight, I felt assured in my faith, clinging to a God I believed would not steer me wrong, and I walked the way I’d walked when the going was easier. From that place of faith in action, I believe I walked through the trials with slightly more ease. When others cheered her arrest or imprisonment, I couldn’t partake. That would not be respecting her dignity.
More recent struggles have felt similar. It’s not easy. I’m not always cheery. I have no idea how things will turn out. But I do have a sense that as long as I hold on to what I believe to be right – what I have made a covenant with God to do – respect the dignity, seek & serve Christ – I am not afraid of the test.
Life is full of tests. And our lives are trying. As long as I strive to stay lined up with what God’s asked me to do, I say Bring it on.
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