[S]peak only what I tell you to speak.
God has sent Balaam to meet with Balak, who wanted Balaam to curse Balak’s enemies. Balaam, a God fearing, God loving man did not want to go. God directed him to go, but to only say what God told him to say.
Oh that my world was so simple. If God actually spoke to me, and told me precisely what to do, and precisely what to say, wouldn’t things be easier? I’d have a fighting chance of actually doing what God wanted. Even when I know there is treachery ahead, I struggle with hearing and knowing what I’m to do or say.
Today, for example. I serve as representative payee for my loved one, meaning I receive their disability checks and use it for their care. It does not fully cover the cost of food, rent, medicine or other expenses, but still we provide some money for their discretionary spending. To increase the amount they get at any time, they’ve requested to get their ‘allowance’ twice a month. With very little restraint, their money is exhausted before the next allotment is made.
Today, the next allotment arrives, and my loved one has been up since 4:45AM, awaiting the money. The money is used for things that they use for self-medication, alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana. I cannot know how much genuinely makes them feel better versus the typical problems with substance abuse. But I can say that medical experts say that all three substances do allay some of the symptoms.
With one exception, our loved one is happier and calmer with these substances. Nicotine and marijuana can reduce anxiety and insomnia, and we all know the benefits of a glass of wine! Marijuana is the exception. Although it does improve a few symptoms, it also is a psychotic, something that people on anti-psychotics are not encouraged to take. Sometimes it causes increased paranoia and delusions, two symptoms my loved one doesn’t recognize, so in their mind, it’s a miracle drug.
So our loved one awaits their money today. That means that until the money arrives and eventually the substances are consumed, our loved one is testy. Once the substances arrive, it’s likely to be a day of excess, so who knows what this afternoon or evening will hold?
Meanwhile, I’m working from home again, because of my loved one’s inability or unwillingness to consistently wear a mask in public. I do not want to inadvertently bring the virus into my office, and I have no ability to reduce my risk at home.
So we’re both home today and for all the days in the near future. It’s a powder keg, as I know I cannot say a single thing without igniting their anxiety or fury or frustration. And yet, there are things I sometimes feel compelled to say. Oh, that God would be clear enough to tell me precisely what to say or not.
This morning, I’m thinking that in my current situation, I need to keep my mouth shut, unless God is a clear as God was to Balaam, telling me precisely what to say.
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