He replied, “My name is Legion; for we are many.”
Jesus heals the demoniac in Gerasene. The man lived in the tombs and no chains could restrain him. Night and day, he howled and bruised himself with stones. When asked his name, the man replied that his name is Legion, for we are many. A legion was a unit of soldiers in the Roman army, anywhere from 3,000 to 6,000. Jesus demands that the spirit leave the man, the spirits enter a herd of pigs who launch themselves off the cliff.
When you read this story, you have a better sense of the torment of this man. When you live through the torment of this man, you have a better sense of this story.
For the past three long years, my loved one has battled schizophrenia and severe bi-polar disease. These are brain disorders, not unlike Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s, and yet they have vastly different connotations. We feel bad for people with the latter diseases, and scoff at those with the former. If not scoff, certainly we don’t afford people with schizophrenia the same sympathy.
My loved one hears voices, sees things, and has delusions. The delusions are things that they believe that aren’t consistent with my understanding of the world. They believe they’re married to a famous rapper. The voices and visual things are hallucinations, things they see, hear or feel that I don’t. Most of their voices are friendly, including one of the famous rapper to whom they’re married. We’ve been out to dinner where we had to leave a chair for their husband, or moved where we sat in the car, to make room for the rapper. There are times our loved one wishes they could have some peace from the voices, and there are times they are lonely because the voices have been temporarily silenced.
The voices make them distracted. There’s a YouTube audio of a simulation of what it’s like to have audio hallucinations. I would commend you to put headphones on, and try to make it through. It’s very distracting, and troubling, as the voices are unfriendly and telling the person they’re garbage and don’t know anything. There’s also a video on YouTube of Anderson Cooper trying to do some basic tasks while listening to the audio simulation. He cannot follow simple directions. It’s startling and depressing. And it’s no wonder that people with unmedicated hallucinations are so aloof; they’re deeply engaged in an involuntary world in their head.
Our loved one will occasionally look towards where they’ve heard a voice, as if they’re looking at someone to respond. It’s a clinical sign of hallucinations that helps healthcare providers.
And like the poor man in the story today, our loved one has referred to themselves in the plural, saying ‘we are hungry’, or referring to themselves in the third person, because it’s one of their voices that’s responding to us. Knowing about Legion, and his explanation that ‘we are many’, when my loved one did this the first time, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I knew they were responding for the many.
Of the past three Christmases we’ve shared with schizophrenia, two involved significant crises and long term hospitalizations. One involved running through Portland without clothes because the voices told them to. One involved catatonia, such slow motion and cognitive distance they could not safely cross the street. Between the two Christmas crises, they experienced three months of inpatient psychiatric hospitalization. Last year, we made it through Christmas although the stress makes things harder for them. 2021 involved at least four hospitalizations, of at least 45 days, although it could be more. It’s hard to remember sometimes.
After a tumultuous trip to Pittsburgh, our loved one has been stable-ish. We have been able to again share Christmas traditions with them that have been shelved for the past three years. I don’t think we’re done with the crises, but for now, there’s peace.
The man from Gerasene may have had demons. He may have had a significant brain disorder. Or maybe the two are the same thing. I read this story with a deep sense of sadness about the man’s lost years and the community’s shunning of him. I read this story with a deep sense of sadness about my loved one’s lost years and the community’s shunning of them.
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