Jun 13 2019 2 Corinthians 12: 1-10

 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.



Paul is rambling on in this section about boasting. If he boasts, it’s for Christ. If it’s not about Christ, it’s based in and caused by his weakness. Through weakness, he’s strong because Christ makes him strong.



I am currently facing a time of hardship and calamity that I’ve never experienced before.  This illness my family is addressing is insidious, cruel and permanent.  Watching a love one slip deeper into the grips of this calamity, without any recourse or any glimmer of hope to get out is quite a hardship indeed.



One of the most challenging aspects of the disease is a symptom known as anosognosia. The disease affects the part of the brain that has self-awareness; brain studies have shown a marked difference in the frontal lobe after episodes of illness, which as of now appear to be irreversible.  Our sick loved one has no awareness of their illness, believes they are fine.  This creates a horrible problem of compliance with doctors’ recommendations – whether medicine or therapy. Why would they need any of that, when their not sick?  That one  symptom also creates a lack of awareness about the other debilitating symptoms that you and I would know are signals of something wrong. Voices? That’s normal.  Delusions of grandeur?  It’s their absolute truth.  It is a calamity for our loved one for sure. As the caretaker it feels like quite a hardship, although looking at them, it’s hard to feel sorry for myself. 



There absolutely are times when I feel weak, and cannot manage this. I have always been self-sufficient, and self-reliant.  This hardship we’re all facing is helping me shake that sense of self-sufficiency. It’s more than having a support network, although that’s important. It’s knowing that I need to ask for that support. Whether it’s respite care when we head out of town, a long phone call with a friend, or a well-needed date-night, I’m increasingly aware that I cannot do this without my people.



More important, and slower to arrive, is my reliance on God. I understand cognitively that I need God. And so far, quiet moments of prayer are not my go-to comfort.  But I am increasingly turning to God.  Whether it’s listening to prayerful chant during my bike commute, or being really present during daily Morning Prayer at work, or relishing this time to reflect on scripture, my day is increasingly infused with moments of turning to God.  Those moments have grown, without any intentional focus on my part; it’s what I needed or wanted at the time. In hindsight, there’s absolutely a pattern, and more God in my day. I don’t know that I feel strengthened those moments, but I do feel peaceful in them. 

This morning I’m thinking about how my crazy day is punctuated with moments of peace, and those moments uncoincidentally are related to my God moments.  Today, I want to try to carry that peace and strength a little beyond the moment itself.