Oct 21 2019 Psalm 25

The sorrows of my heart have increased; bring me out of my troubles. Look upon my adversity and misery and forgive me all my sin.

Today we return to Portland after three days away with dear friends. Our sick loved one has not made it easy. Dozens and dozens of texts, imploring us to help them, threatening us, angry, nonsense texts. And the folks who are caregiving have been spectacular! There has always been a cloud of worry and wonder, so we weren’t quite able to disconnect, but it was more of a break than we’ve had in a loooong time.

So as I imagine returning, I read the words of the psalmist with a heavy heart. The sorrows of my heart have increased, O Lord. Please bring me out of my troubles. The part this morning that strikes me is the last bit; forgive me all my sin.

In the midst of my house drama, it’s incredibly easy for me to misbehave. I can be reactionary, judgmental, and far less compassionate than I intend. And while my reactions might be provoked and even justified, there’s nothing about my situation that causes my bad behavior. They are in fact separate things.

Yes, my home is complicated, and my loved one is very sick. Yes, my vacation was not entirely carefree. Yes, I return today to – who knows what. Yes, there’s a heaviness in my heart and a certain amount of misery. Yes. Yes. Yes.

But none of that demands, commands, or requires my bad behavior. I do not need to respond in kind. As a matter of fact, I’m called to respond with God’s love and grace. 

This morning I’m thinking about how the conditions around me are, in fact, not causal, to the conditions within me. There is nothing about my life that justifies any bad behavior or sin on my part. Nothing. Maybe it’s explainable, or understandable. Today, I want to see or increase the separation between what I see – the conditions around me like misery – and my actions – like being unnecessarily pissy or short. Forgive me my sins in the sight of the misery, sorrows and trouble. They do not have to be related.