Apr 19 2020 Apostle’s Creed

I believe in God

Interesting times. I’ve been getting up, like normal. I’ve gotten my cup of coffee, like normal. I get in my prayer chair, and open up the laptop to my morning prayer resources, like normal. And I’ve been underwhelmed.

I feel like I’d be faking it if I wrote something encouraging or insightful, as I don’t feel it. That’s not normal.

The pandemic rages on. I now know someone who died from COVID. I’m getting increasingly stir crazy, and I’m even contemplating jigsaw puzzles to pass the time. That’s not normal.

To top it off, my loved one is back in the hospital. They are clearly not interested in speaking with us, allowing us to offer support, or return to our home. And yet, they are likely to be released tomorrow. I understand the hospital staff are working to find appropriate housing. If the housing is not ready Monday, we are unclear what will happen, and we may not be informed if our loved one remains in the hospital, if they moved to the housing, wishes to return to our home, or is released to the streets. That’s not normal.

All of this makes me unsettled. And that unsettledness makes my thoughts and actions flit around, even when I’m sitting in my prayer chair, trying to make my way through morning prayer. To be clear, I am not seeking sympathy. My sense of unsettledness is no different than anyone else’s. These are universally abnormal times. We all are struggling with our own not-normalness.

This morning, I’m thinking about the normalness and routine of Morning Prayer. Day after day, I read the same prayers, and systematically make my way through Scripture. Some days, I find a gem because I am at peace and allow the gems to find me. Other times, I’m unsettled, and can barely make it through a sentence without something else crossing my mind. 

Today, as I read the Apostle’s Creed, I wasn’t feeling it. Some days, I’m struck by the depth and simplicity, that these words have been prayed throughout the world and for thousands of years. Because I know the words, I can make it through that prayer without too much distraction, even if I don’t dive deep into the prayer.

I was offered some advice at one point about prayers and liturgy. I was worried about my personal emotions getting in the way of a service designed and intended for many people. I didn’t want my personal emotions to distract others, which if you’re standing in front facing people, could be an issue.

The advice I was given was to relax into the liturgy. To imagine all the people through out time and throughout the world praying those words. The words become like a boat, carried by all the people. I can join the crowds carrying the boat, or when needed, I can rest in the boat, which is the unified prayers of all the millions of people who’ve prayed those words. Rest in the richness and unity of common prayer. Resting in prayer is good. We all need rest sometimes.

Today, I rest.