This morning, I’m teetering on this balance – anxiety over earthly things on the one hand, and love of things heavenly on the other. Many days, I feel firmly on one side of this versus the other. But today I feel the full imbalance of the teetering.
My sick loved one has lived with us for nearly 10 months. Diagnosed with schizophrenia, they’ve been in the hospital involuntarily three times since December, and been on 6 different medicines to try to stabilize. We went out as a family Friday night, and while they’re moving better, they are as deeply delusional and having auditory hallucinations that affect every interaction. We become numb to it, but going out in public, it’s uncomfortably apparent.
One of their doctors suggested that they are not likely a candidate for another hospitalization, simply because of our assistance and management. Without a stable place to live, regular meals, basic reminders like hygiene and clean clothes, some structure, they’d be like many of people on the street, nonsensical, unkempt, hungry. And then they’d be absolutely a candidate for another involuntary hospitalization. We were actually told that the system is set up so that the only way our loved one could get the inpatient hospitalization they might need would be for us to let them fail, to the point of needing it. This creates anxiety over earthly things.
Meanwhile, home is different than it was a year ago. They spend most of their time in their room, talking with voices in their head, or a new item, legitimately talking with people on social media. Unfortunately, that social media outlet has resulted in a viral video of them with over 5 million views. When they surface from their room, we experience the same confused talk that they do; one minute we’re horrible, the next we’re the best. And the horrible comments are mean, hurtful and inappropriate. But then that voice passes, and our loved one is exhausted, a little appreciative, and returns to their room. Earthly anxiety.
In the midst of this, we try to accommodate our living arrangements, or parenting, and our relationship as an old married couple. Right now, we’re debating moving yet again, into a slightly larger unit, as our current apartment is 950 square feet – something my husband and I could easily do, but there are three of us now. So we’re looking at three bedrooms. The concept of moving again even if it’s in the same neighborhood is anxiety-producing.
It’s hard to imagine what the next 10 years looks like. A time when my husband and I were planning on retiring early and travelling – that’s gone. The possibility of loved one’s stability and supported self-sufficiency is years away, if ever. If we can create a productive sane living arrangement, they may be with us for years. Supportive housing is unlikely an option, as one symptom of the disease is the absolute lack of recognition that they’re sick; if they’re not sick, why would they live with sick people? Or at any point, they could decide what we mean by productive and sane is untenable for them, and they might leave for the streets. Their absolute inability for self care creates tension and increased compromises here, because the alternative to have them leave is frightening..
Some days, I feel I’m fully worrying about all things earthly. And for fleeting moments, I can put that away and love heavenly things. Today, I feel I’m teetering between earthly anxiety and loving things heavenly.
Maybe it has to do with the emotions we attach to facts in our life. Maybe with the anxiety-inducing facts or conditions, I could see the situation absent the reaction. Facts: I have a new long term sick and frequently mean roommate. They’re sick and miserable, and their future is wholly different than intended, much more than mine. I have the resources and support to care for them. I have the love and support to care for me in the midst of that. That is all fact. I need to separate those from the gut-wrenching anxiety they could cause if I stewed.
Because there is another whole set of facts about my world right now that could and should create great joy, and contentment. I have a great job, wonderful coworkers, meaningful work. I have a lovely husband, beautiful apartment, ability to look for other housing options, the luxury to read morning prayer and write every morning, a farmers market 2 blocks away and resulting wonderful cooked meals, a sense of love and wonder and good faith towards others, a loving God. Those are facts about my life, and too frequently, they’re facts to which I don’t ascribe the weighty emotions I could. But it is to those facts in my life that I should be connecting the emotion, the love of things heavenly. Today, I want to observe the facts of my life, absent ascribed emotion. At the end of the day, I want to intentionally chose those to which I’m ascribing emotions.
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