In you, O Lord, I seek refuge; do not let me ever be put to shame;
Such a simple request. Dear God, in return for my faith and trust in you, please don’t let me be shamed. This sentiment comes up several times in this section of psalms. Shame is such a powerful emotion. It causes us to do all sorts of things, and apparently was a big concern of David’s.
And yet, I wonder if Jesus felt shame, as he was paraded through town, beaten and carrying his own executioner’s tool – the cross. I wonder if he felt shame as he was hanging on the cross, with all of his friends watching, and then abandoning him. Or when his mother watched until the end. I wonder if he felt anger, defeat, disappointment, confusion. Or shame.
Webster says shame is both the feeling you get when you know you’ve done something wrong or foolish, and the feeling of humiliation or embarrassment. One definition includes a sense of wrongdoing, while the other just is a feeling of embarrassment. I can imagine Jesus didn’t feel he’d done anything wrong, but I wonder about the feeling of having done something foolish. Did he worry about what he’d committed and said, given where he was hanging? Or did he have a sense of being embarrassed, with the friends and foes watching him be humiliated?
Shame is not something we should befriend, and yet sometimes it’s hard. With my sick loved one, it’s sometimes easy to feel some sense of shame. There is a cultural stigma on schizophrenia, and more specifically, the resulting behaviors. There was a time when my loved one was connecting online with a rap star, talking ‘live’ on a social media platform. People made copies of the videos, one of had 3 million viewings. Our loved one was very symptomatic, and the comments of the video were unkind. Our loved one has since shot videos of herself in the bathtub, resulting in a temporary ban from that social media platform.
Our loved one also frequently elects to not wear pants, both inside the house and outside. And modifying this behavior is not something I can do. Taking them out in public is always a challenge. Their filters on what to say that’s appropriate is non-existent. I know that the shame of caregivers is real, especially in settings where they most need support.
If I were to bring my loved one to church, I cannot imagine the looks, whispers or comments. Even from the best, most loving congregation, it would be hard for me to not feel some shame or embarrassment, absolutely caused by the behavior of someone with an uncontrollable brain disease. That’s ridiculous on two counts. I should not feel shame out with my loved one. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, and their ‘wrong behavior’ is caused by the illness. And I shouldn’t be embarrassed. I wouldn’t be embarrassed walking with a bald woman going through chemo, even though both would be battling a disease. Perhaps more depressing is the notion that I would be prompted to feel shame, with the stares, comments, whispers. I don’t like it at the store. I definitely wouldn’t like it at church.
And of course it would happen at church. As much as we all want more young people at church, there is always that person who scowls as the child is acting… childish. And if we can pass judgment and scowl at a cherubic child, what would happen with someone with schizophrenia.
O lord, in you I seek refuge. Let me never be put to shame. That’s a prayer both for my constitution, and a prayer for the tolerance and compassion of those around me. Today, I want to recognize that sense of shame that arises in me, and try to recognize its source. If it’s a misplaced sense of personal correctness, I will acknowledge that this brain disease is nothing I can control, nor can my loved one. If it’s caused by external forces, I will remember that the attitudes of others do not need to affect my outlook.
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