And I say, “It is my grief that the right hand of the Most High has changed.”
When we go through this life, there are several things that change constantly, namely our circumstances and our outlook. Accidents happen, illnesses surface, jobs and relationships come and go. Things change. And all the while, our constitution changes too. On any given day, I might hop out of bed ready to tackle whatever comes my way. The same situation, the same set of external things, and I might wake up on the wrong side of the bed, testy or pitiful. I’m coming to realize that my external circumstances have much less to do with my outlook than my internal world.
What doesn’t change in all of this is God. God loves us and is always with us. When external things happen – good and bad – God is with us. When our mood or outlook is great or crappy, God is with us. Not only is god with us, but as the psalmist says, God can change our internal outlook, regardless of external conditions.
This sounds hypothetical or theoretical, but this morning it is relevant in my world. We’ve just concluded a wonderful visit from my sister- and brother-in-law, from their home overseas. It was great to see them, and we rented bicycles and rode all over Portland, picnicking and eating out and catching up. Meanwhile, our loved one is increasingly symptomatic, and their only appearance to their aunt and uncle included yelling and slamming doors and accusations of abuse. Needless to say, we didn’t spend much time at our home, with all that volatility.
Last night, we returned from dinner and brought something for our loved one. To our delight, they thanked us, asked us how the evening was, and graciously invited us to eat the homemade mac & cheese they’d made in our absence. They’ve always been a spectacular cook and baker. We went to bed grateful for a lot. Over night, the yelling accusations of rape resulted in us closing and locking our bedroom door, again.
Meanwhile, I’m navigating several work-related events that I’d initiated and include the community I care deeply about. The events will occur, under someone else’s stewardship, and I’m feeling a little forlorn. I want to go and support my tribe. And yet I don’t want the events to be about whether Carter’s there or not, and honestly they’re not really my tribe in the same way anymore.
This morning, I’m thinking about the notion that external circumstances cause my internal outlook, and I’m thinking that’s bunk. I’ve had plenty of harder external circumstances and hopped out of bed, ready to tackle the day. I’ve had significantly easier days where I couldn’t muster joy. God didn’t cause the external circumstances, but God can change my grief, just like the psalmist says.
There may be storms outside me. But the only time they cause storms inside is when I let them. And it is with God’s grace that I can navigate through without being subsumed by the storms. I know this to be true, especially when my outlook is rosy. On other days, I’m glad there are psalms to remind me that God’s got this.
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